04-21-2014, 01:39 PM
Hi Brownlie
The first two stanzas made me think of a psychiatric ward, with the references to bedlam and lunacy, so i was a little surprised when it turned into a poem about jails. Still it could be a high-security psych ward...
that wasted men can feel their lives
that slowly slip away. ('that' doesn't seem to fit- i would have used 'slowly slipping away' but that might mess up your meter)
i liked the alliteration in 'soil heavied clothes are sodden down by scripts' , and the alliteration of C and P in the third stanza.
Unsure about rhyming crafted with fact - though it is alliterative and the stanza reads fine - the following rhyming of fact and trapped in the first line of the next stanza carries the rhyming along even though it's not in a second or fourth line.
Overall, I thought it was quite well done
Marianne
The first two stanzas made me think of a psychiatric ward, with the references to bedlam and lunacy, so i was a little surprised when it turned into a poem about jails. Still it could be a high-security psych ward...
that wasted men can feel their lives
that slowly slip away. ('that' doesn't seem to fit- i would have used 'slowly slipping away' but that might mess up your meter)
i liked the alliteration in 'soil heavied clothes are sodden down by scripts' , and the alliteration of C and P in the third stanza.
Unsure about rhyming crafted with fact - though it is alliterative and the stanza reads fine - the following rhyming of fact and trapped in the first line of the next stanza carries the rhyming along even though it's not in a second or fourth line.
Overall, I thought it was quite well done
Marianne