04-21-2014, 10:49 AM
This line gave me pause:
"Inside then maybe you could see
What they can feel, a lock."
Maybe
Inside then maybe you could see
What they can feel's a lock.
Maybe I'm misreading your intent, but that seemed what you were trying to say...maybe not.
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The first stanza reads a bit awkward, but from there on it reads smoothly.
This was a nice stanza:
"I had my day of lunacy
Inside and know the way
that wasted men can feel their lives
that slowly slip away."
Dale
"Inside then maybe you could see
What they can feel, a lock."
Maybe
Inside then maybe you could see
What they can feel's a lock.
Maybe I'm misreading your intent, but that seemed what you were trying to say...maybe not.
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The first stanza reads a bit awkward, but from there on it reads smoothly.
This was a nice stanza:
"I had my day of lunacy
Inside and know the way
that wasted men can feel their lives
that slowly slip away."
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.