04-21-2014, 08:55 AM
(04-21-2014, 06:34 AM)Erthona Wrote: .
Ah yes, the old slice and dice of the soul,
when honor swims through razor-wire;
the route to pain’s great beauty.
You found fealty more bronze than gold,
as avarice did conspire,
to rob the spirit from your duty.
If only you had the talent to be bold,
then others you would inspire, -- a little awkward syntax though it would take some work to make this sound natural. The way it's written makes me surprised by the but in the next line. I thought you were going to continue with the subject of the "others" mentioned in this line.
but those designs lay there mutely;
for their loyalty was cheaply sold,
and of the effort none perspired,
as they went down, dissolutely.
Just a small catch on my part that I've bolded.
©2014 –Erthona
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