Through the Storm

[RSaba]

I really like this! Yes, it is lengthy. But having it split into numbered stanzas works well and fixes the length issue, since the reader pauses at the end of each and digests it a bit.
I've just got a few marks that might help the reading of the poem. Since it is in full-sentence format, I read it sentence-by-sentence to find a few bits that didn't quite flow. I hope that this is useful for you. Take what you will!
And like I said, it's very well-written. The first few lines draw you right in!

Through the Storm

I

Heavy perfume of crushed roses and tulips
blankets my nose as pruned lips meet my cheek,
whispering that everything will be okay.
I dive down the depths of my pocket
and pull out my mother's tumor.
It throbs in my hand as I watch
a red rivulet over my blue veins
as it races down my forearm,[/b] So here we have the "as it" and the "as I" transitions in the same sentence, which doesn't read well. The entire sentence is beautiful, and I think it's just a matter of replacing one of the transitions. There are many ways you could do that, but this would be my suggestion, since it changes the syntax of the sentence the least: "It throbs in my hand as I watch a red rivulet over my blue veins
racing down my forearm..."
pressing the pavement with a roseate stamp.


II

Hot white strokes upset the black sky to
thunderous boos and dribbling murmurs. "Dribbling murmurs" is a fabulous phrase. But I'm not sure about "boos," it seems a bit colloquial to me. The image certainly gets itself through, but that word seems out of place.
Heaving breaths enter the pistons in my lungs,
combusting a rage that no downpour can put out. "Combusting into," perhaps?
My toes eclipse the lip of the lake that my Mom took me to I love this line, it's beautiful. However, it doesn't logically make sense since to eclipse something means to fully cover it, and you're only talking about the edge of a lake. It's up to you though, since like I said, it's a beautiful line to read aloud.
when she gave me a RC boat three Christmases ago.
I scream over the thunder as I skip my bible across the lake,Replace the comma with a semi-colon- just a grammar thing. What a fabulous image! This is full of really strong emotions. I love this stanza.
it rides the storming waves
until I unabashedly watch it sink.


III

***Bargaining, have yet to create this stanza*** Can't wait to read it when you do!

IV

Last Spring, a beautiful black bird dipped in ink No need to capitalize "spring"
would perch on our kitchen windowsill every day.
My Mom would feed it seeds and laugh as the bird maybe just say "my mother" when referring to her, that way there is no capital to trip over and it flows better.
trilled along the her humming. "trilled along with her humming?
I think the same bird tried to visit today.Since you have "tried" in the next line, maybe cut it from this one? It works well in the next one. For this line, though, you could just say "visited" instead.
My eager fingers tried to lift the dusty window to let him in
but my dad came into the kitchen, teetering with
a glass bottle in his hand. His heavy breath
and fist met my already hued face
until he wobbled back to his room. "Until" is an awkward transition word.
I looked at my face in the bathroom mirror,
a flowing river through violaceous hills,
my eyes dense like a raven.


V

I graduated from high school today, I cheered
as I threw my cap into the heavens,
proudly watching it sway back to the ground.
I assure my friends that I will be at their parties
in a little while, I have to do something.
I exit my car and teeter towards my Mom's tombstone,
it's been a little while since I have visited her last.
I tell her that I graduated and I will be going to college in the fall.
I place a bouquet of roses and tulips against the stone that soaks in the sun.
A tiny fledging with feathers of the night battles the wind and loses,
fluttering until finally perching atop of my Mom's gravestone.
An incandescent smile spreads as a tear falls onto the grass.

I've got nothing to recommend for that last stanza, it's beautiful. Especially the last line. Very powerful since you don't have the smile or the tear in third person, so it's a strange but strong image.

I know this is just the Newly Registered Forum, so I hope I didn't say too much! But seriously, I loved this piece. It made my throat ache a little bit. There is a lot of emotion in here that you relay through strong, imaginative images, and the stanzas are perfectly split. I hope these comments help! Great writing, and I can't wait to read more!