04-20-2014, 11:34 AM
Down the heavens, thru the clouds,
across the winds that churn the night, (night cannot be churned)
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of a silvern light.
At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come, (mixed metaphor)
first the fast then behind come the slow. (comes)
They both reach the eyes at slight different times (Yes thanks for pointing out that humans have binocular vision)
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow. (Well actually no it's not. Stellar scintillation occurs because we are seeing them through the moving air of the atmosphere)
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space. (Seems like kind of a lot to put on a star)
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle (unsupported hyperbole)
not touching but embracing us all
and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.
For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night (senseless lines)
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light (what?)
hurtling the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.
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Between what Marianne and I have noted, this piece doesn't make much sense, partly because you are trying to apply physics terms with which you are not conversant. Some of the lines just seem like gibberish. This suffers from a complete lack of clarity. Such things as:
"winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness"
Have you established that there is such a voice, that you are alluding to a well known myth that speaks of such? There has to be a foundation for such things. Plus when I see Voice, velvet, and darkness, the first thought that comes to my mind id a painting of Elvis on black velvet.
And why:"if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee." would the light speak to the darkness in a person? Also, you think maybe that "in the twinkling of an eye," hasn't been used a few thousand times before.
Sorry, but I think you need to table this and try to write on a subject on which you have a firmer grasp.
Best,
Dale
across the winds that churn the night, (night cannot be churned)
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of a silvern light.
At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come, (mixed metaphor)
first the fast then behind come the slow. (comes)
They both reach the eyes at slight different times (Yes thanks for pointing out that humans have binocular vision)
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow. (Well actually no it's not. Stellar scintillation occurs because we are seeing them through the moving air of the atmosphere)
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space. (Seems like kind of a lot to put on a star)
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle (unsupported hyperbole)
not touching but embracing us all
and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.
For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night (senseless lines)
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light (what?)
hurtling the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.
__________________________________________________________
Between what Marianne and I have noted, this piece doesn't make much sense, partly because you are trying to apply physics terms with which you are not conversant. Some of the lines just seem like gibberish. This suffers from a complete lack of clarity. Such things as:
"winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness"
Have you established that there is such a voice, that you are alluding to a well known myth that speaks of such? There has to be a foundation for such things. Plus when I see Voice, velvet, and darkness, the first thought that comes to my mind id a painting of Elvis on black velvet.
And why:"if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee." would the light speak to the darkness in a person? Also, you think maybe that "in the twinkling of an eye," hasn't been used a few thousand times before.
Sorry, but I think you need to table this and try to write on a subject on which you have a firmer grasp.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.