04-20-2014, 10:37 AM
Voice in the Light
Down the heavens, thru the clouds,(‘down the heavens’ makes no sense – maybe “down (from) the heavens’)
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky (darkness pins doesn’t make sense – the stars are pinned onto, not by, the darkness)
with stars of a silvern light. (silvern archaic)
At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind come the slow. (light travels at as consistent speed – this doesn’t make sense)
They both reach the eyes at slight different times (slightly)
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow. (makes no sense)
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith (these lines have potential)
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost ( a corner cannot show, perhaps ‘in a dim corner lies my old courage, lost,’)
now lit by this messenger of Space. (from not of)
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle (who is this we/both that suddenly appears here – a circle has no ends)
not touching but embracing us all
and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh (distance is not measured in breaths)
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness (a breath which is a sigh is also winged and has a voice? Bit of a stretch to imagine)
locked in the twinkling of an eye.
For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night (dimness)
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light(a star cannot straddle light)
hurtling (through) the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye, (you don’t listen for light – ‘look for light’ would make more sense)
it will speak to the dark in thee.(thee archaic)
It is best not to center-align a poem unless it actually makes some kind of shape on the page, it makes it harder to read. Don't use archaisms if you can help it, 'silver' would have done just as nicely and 'thee' looks like it was just thrown in for the rhyme. This poem rambles, starts with night, then dawn, then suddenly it's night again... and it doesn't say anything - it just rambles about the stars and mentions God - not much to make an impression on the reader. Still some of your lines had potential,
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to (us), Man the infinitely small, (although infinitely small is a bit hard to imagine)
and
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
Sorry to come across so nit-picky but that's what we're all here for. Best of luck with future work
Marianne
Down the heavens, thru the clouds,(‘down the heavens’ makes no sense – maybe “down (from) the heavens’)
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky (darkness pins doesn’t make sense – the stars are pinned onto, not by, the darkness)
with stars of a silvern light. (silvern archaic)
At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind come the slow. (light travels at as consistent speed – this doesn’t make sense)
They both reach the eyes at slight different times (slightly)
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow. (makes no sense)
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith (these lines have potential)
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost ( a corner cannot show, perhaps ‘in a dim corner lies my old courage, lost,’)
now lit by this messenger of Space. (from not of)
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle (who is this we/both that suddenly appears here – a circle has no ends)
not touching but embracing us all
and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh (distance is not measured in breaths)
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness (a breath which is a sigh is also winged and has a voice? Bit of a stretch to imagine)
locked in the twinkling of an eye.
For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night (dimness)
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light(a star cannot straddle light)
hurtling (through) the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye, (you don’t listen for light – ‘look for light’ would make more sense)
it will speak to the dark in thee.(thee archaic)
It is best not to center-align a poem unless it actually makes some kind of shape on the page, it makes it harder to read. Don't use archaisms if you can help it, 'silver' would have done just as nicely and 'thee' looks like it was just thrown in for the rhyme. This poem rambles, starts with night, then dawn, then suddenly it's night again... and it doesn't say anything - it just rambles about the stars and mentions God - not much to make an impression on the reader. Still some of your lines had potential,
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to (us), Man the infinitely small, (although infinitely small is a bit hard to imagine)
and
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
Sorry to come across so nit-picky but that's what we're all here for. Best of luck with future work
Marianne