04-20-2014, 08:54 AM
(04-20-2014, 12:32 AM)kindofahippy Wrote: In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawnI really like your content, and the rhythm fits it beautifully at times, but the occasions where the rhythm falters make the poem harder to read. The internal rhymes, however, help carry me through the poem, and I enjoyed reading it. As I mention in my analysis, stanza three is beautiful poetry to me, your best stanza here, and better when read out loud.
and soaked in the sounds of the day
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten the meter has been lovely so far, but it jars and doesn't work for me here
who I knew was sure to come my way. the rhythm has disintegrated momentarily already in the poem
The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
as I sympathized with animal kind.
Still I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur pet = present tense whereas the other verbs are past participles. Rhythmically dubious line too
and listened to him purr as he dined.
I would rather be the robin in that tree "I'd" for "I would" sounds better out loud to me
than sit here as I am, being me.
A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty. This stanza is beautiful to me, I love the way the rhythm and rhyme work with the image when I read it out loud. I'd consider losing the "a" in the final line to make it flow even better
We humans lay waste to the world in haste
and in haste, we live till we die. the repetition, rhythm and enjambment are brilliant here
Animals remain locked in the present frame "stay" for "remain"?
and don't seem to bother asking why. substituting in "to ever ask why" probably compromises your image, but I prefer it rhythmically
We trod about with our pomp and clout loved the internal rhymes so far, but this one doesn't work for me. "We trod all (or another word for rhythm) about with our pomp and our (any monosyllabic word for rhythm again) clout"?
and relegate animals to an industry. "an" superfluous for me, losing it and choosing "demote" instead of "relegate" better rhythmically?
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs; A nicer rhythm would be achieved by "Fish, cattle and dogs, mice, poultry and hogs", but just an idea and a preference. I don't know how I'd modify the next line accordingly
Just an object to be used by humanity.
Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property. The personal property image hasn't been built up enough to be your punch line for me. The destruction of nature isn't synonymous with capitalism specifically (and if it is you haven't explained why), and the preservation of nature isn't necessary to ideologies without private property.

