04-20-2014, 08:32 AM
-- MACRO note. Be cautious about taking my micro edits, below. The best part of this poem is the macro. The overplayed rhyming elements, the palpable but underplayed philosophic ones. I only edit poems that I like a lot (and, yes, that makes me feel guilty). So just know that going into this.
--that said, what I take to be the turn at "we humans," leads into two stanzas that I don't grock. The tree derides the narrator's confusion of human and animal feeling, and then the narrator derides humans by means of explanation. I understand all that. Then we're going to defend the animal's position. Still with you.
--it's the articulation if animal goodness that looses me. "Frame" is a storyteller's set of relevant premises. Here, it seems to mean, "immediate connection with the moment." I'm still with you, but I'm losing the thead.
--now, on s4l4, the reason animals aren't warlike is that they don't have higher-order reflective cognition, in that they can't ask "why." Hmm???
--s5 says animals are made into objects because humans can ask why. I don't follow.
--then animals are "almost sentient"?
--as a recap, here's the story as I understand it: the narrator has a meditative epiphany, which is that animals are doing something admirable. Humans are doing bad things. Tf, animals are worth a sympathetic look. What are animals doing right? They're relatively dumb creatures. The cat drinks milk, as given by a human, and then doesn't make war.
--that's my macro, here's the micro.
Objects
In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn[,]
and soaked in the sounds of the day[,]
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten[,]
who I knew was sure to come my way.
--the poem is entitled Objects, and I would have anticipated "which" or "that" vs who. I'm searching for tools, objects, and other independent, will-less things.
--I'm also looking for something objectionable and, less likely, something "thrown" (from -ject of -iacare)
The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
--"derided" is a concise way of saying. "considered me a joke"
--"hallowed" means "made holy." I'm now looking for other religious, if I can coin a word for no reason, theoglyphs
as I sympathized with animal kind.
--two notes on "animal kind." First, I think you can say "animals" for a stronger effect. To justify that revision, I'd say that the word "sympathized" sits in tension with the phrase "animal kind." That is, if you sympathize with the devil, it wouldn't do to say "I sympathize with the sole individual that can be described as 'the devil.'"
--Second, consider "the animal" as an alternative.
Still[,] I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
--"some" appears unneeded, as I wouldn't have otherwise asked "how much? was it *all* of the milk?"
and listened to him purr as he dined.
--we don't normally think of dining on a liquid. Maybe "sup"?
I would rather be the robin in that tree
than sit here as I am, being me.
--this can be tightened. Besides that, the preference for robinhood (pardon the pun), the sought-after trait of the Robin is the ability to sit in the immediacy if it's own being, no?
A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty.
--"wild beauty" is really effective
--beasts have "morals," as in a set of socially appropriate behaviors. What they don't have is a notion if divine or objective morality
We humans lay waste to the world in haste[,]
and in haste, we live till we die.
-- "till" should prolly be "til"
--do we slow down upon death?
Animals remain locked in the present frame
and don't seem to bother asking why.
We trod about with our pomp and clout
and relegate animals to an industry.
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs;
Just an object to be used by humanity.
Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property.
--consider un-orphaning this clausal stanza
--that said, what I take to be the turn at "we humans," leads into two stanzas that I don't grock. The tree derides the narrator's confusion of human and animal feeling, and then the narrator derides humans by means of explanation. I understand all that. Then we're going to defend the animal's position. Still with you.
--it's the articulation if animal goodness that looses me. "Frame" is a storyteller's set of relevant premises. Here, it seems to mean, "immediate connection with the moment." I'm still with you, but I'm losing the thead.
--now, on s4l4, the reason animals aren't warlike is that they don't have higher-order reflective cognition, in that they can't ask "why." Hmm???
--s5 says animals are made into objects because humans can ask why. I don't follow.
--then animals are "almost sentient"?
--as a recap, here's the story as I understand it: the narrator has a meditative epiphany, which is that animals are doing something admirable. Humans are doing bad things. Tf, animals are worth a sympathetic look. What are animals doing right? They're relatively dumb creatures. The cat drinks milk, as given by a human, and then doesn't make war.
--that's my macro, here's the micro.
Objects
In a chair on the lawn, as I rested at dawn[,]
and soaked in the sounds of the day[,]
I closed my eyes and listened for the padding of a kitten[,]
who I knew was sure to come my way.
--the poem is entitled Objects, and I would have anticipated "which" or "that" vs who. I'm searching for tools, objects, and other independent, will-less things.
--I'm also looking for something objectionable and, less likely, something "thrown" (from -ject of -iacare)
The hallowed old oak considered me a joke
--"derided" is a concise way of saying. "considered me a joke"
--"hallowed" means "made holy." I'm now looking for other religious, if I can coin a word for no reason, theoglyphs
as I sympathized with animal kind.
--two notes on "animal kind." First, I think you can say "animals" for a stronger effect. To justify that revision, I'd say that the word "sympathized" sits in tension with the phrase "animal kind." That is, if you sympathize with the devil, it wouldn't do to say "I sympathize with the sole individual that can be described as 'the devil.'"
--Second, consider "the animal" as an alternative.
Still[,] I gave the cat some milk and pet his unkempt fur
--"some" appears unneeded, as I wouldn't have otherwise asked "how much? was it *all* of the milk?"
and listened to him purr as he dined.
--we don't normally think of dining on a liquid. Maybe "sup"?
I would rather be the robin in that tree
than sit here as I am, being me.
--this can be tightened. Besides that, the preference for robinhood (pardon the pun), the sought-after trait of the Robin is the ability to sit in the immediacy if it's own being, no?
A beast has no morals of which to speak
and that gives them a wild beauty.
--"wild beauty" is really effective
--beasts have "morals," as in a set of socially appropriate behaviors. What they don't have is a notion if divine or objective morality
We humans lay waste to the world in haste[,]
and in haste, we live till we die.
-- "till" should prolly be "til"
--do we slow down upon death?
Animals remain locked in the present frame
and don't seem to bother asking why.
We trod about with our pomp and clout
and relegate animals to an industry.
For cattle, fish and dogs, mice, poultry, hogs;
Just an object to be used by humanity.
Feeling, living, breathing,
hurting, resting, bleeding,
almost sentient Personal Property.
--consider un-orphaning this clausal stanza