Deftly, and Soon

[71degrees]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone about the snow— Its nice how the snow has space here
how all day long it has drifted
down on your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds— This is my favorite image in the poem, really pretty and unusual
the total pallor of snow
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptance
noticed only once in a lifetime

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable
this moment has been Putting this stanza first would almost work. Maybe worth experimenting with. IDk

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospital :O this is sad, but I like it. Hospital feels really jarring, not in a bad way, but its certainly less understated then the rest of the poem. I like how the white of the hospital works with the white of snow. A very pale poem.

I enjoyed this. The quiet nature of the snow and the implied loneliness of the speaker play off of each other really beautifully. Like internal reflecting the external and vice versa. Its been snowing a lot here so thats something i've been thinking about. I can relate to the person in this poem observing something beautiful and wanting to share it. She could be a poet I guess really thats something poets do. Wish I had more constructive to say. Thnx for sharing ^_^

Thanks for your response. Sorry I'm so late returning the favor. Your insight (e.g. white snow / white hospital) helps me more than you realize.

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Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone add comma about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down onreplace "on" with "onto" your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
perhaps add "and the" here bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—that is a fabulous line. Just needs a dash: "earth-driven"
the total pallor of snow perhaps either a comma here, or "with the" preceding "sky" on the following line
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptancebeautiful phrase
noticed only once in a lifetime since this is in free verse sentence format, definitely need a period here

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable great use of the word
this moment has beenperiod

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospitalperiod

This is a great, heart-achy piece. Tells a story in pieces that left me with a bit of a lump in my throat- it starts out with all that soft imagery and then the last stanza just comes at you out of nowhere, going from distant to personal in the blink of an eye. Aside from those minor edits (which just add to the flow), I have nothing more to add. Great writing. Thanks for the tears.

Thank you for the little tidbits of "streamlining" here (e.g. earth-driven and/or the reconstruction of the snow "onto" the bird feeder), and for your kind words of encouragement. Not enamored w/periods / stops. Especially in free verse. More a personal choice. Again, thanks. And welcome.