Deftly, and Soon

[RSaba]

Deftly, and Soon

You want to tell someone,
anyone add comma about the snow—
how all day long it has drifted
down onreplace "on" with "onto" your bird feeder,
the decorative milk can,
perhaps add "and the" here bare lilacs, piling up
like earth driven clouds—that is a fabulous line. Just needs a dash: "earth-driven"
the total pallor of snow perhaps either a comma here, or "with the" preceding "sky" on the following line
sky creating a white sheen
of stilled acceptancebeautiful phrase
noticed only once in a lifetime since this is in free verse sentence format, definitely need a period here

All afternoon you have wanted
to tell someone how ineffable great use of the word
this moment has beenperiod

And you should do it deftly,
and soon, before that last ride
to the hospitalperiod

This is a great, heart-achy piece. Tells a story in pieces that left me with a bit of a lump in my throat- it starts out with all that soft imagery and then the last stanza just comes at you out of nowhere, going from distant to personal in the blink of an eye. Aside from those minor edits (which just add to the flow), I have nothing more to add. Great writing. Thanks for the tears.