Waiting

[poe]

Hey tony! Content wise, great job. Everyone always can workshop poems and edit them, but I like what you have. I think it needs a lot of work structurally though. I don't know if you intended for the double spacing but it made it read slowly. Also, the line breaks were a bit weird to me and felt more "let me break it here to make it look like a poem" and not with purpose. Just an example of how I might change it:

The days are long
But then time slips
between two pale sheets

or

The days are long
But then
time slips
...continued....

Do you see the difference? Not visually, but how it is read and how the end words are emphasized. That was simply a quick alternate in which I didn't change the text but I just wanted to show you that. To really get good look at how line breaks can be used to add suspense, musicality, and dynamics, take a look at "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams. He is a very concise and economical poet.

Cheers and great post!

I like your line changes for my poem, Waiting and will go back and adjust them. Thanks for your encouraging crit. I will check out The Red Wheelbarrow again as I know I've read it long ago.
TS