I Need a Time Machine to Save a Life

[Todd]

Hi,

I've been away from the site for a bit, but I want to leave a few comments on this one:

First, the title is great. It pulls you in, but it needs a much better payoff for the reader. It feels too shorthand to me. "loved for exactly who she is, fake image, etc. There doesn't seem to be much emotionally at stake here. It alludes to choices but doesn't make us care about the choices. This strikes me as a first draft that needs to go deeper. It has potential though.

Also watch your line breaks you break on some throwaway words when there are better choices (L4 should probably end on invents not and given your title. L11 should probably end on Wants given that time machine's talk about regret and unfulfilled wants. Just a few examples).

Best,

Todd

I need to tell a young girl
That one day she will be loved.
Loved for exactly who she is;
Not for some fake image she
Invents for the world to see.

I need to tell her to wait.
She doesn't need to settle
For someone who is unworthy.
There will be a man who loves
Her body, mind and soul.
Someone who sees it all and
Wants it more than anything.

I need to tell her that she
Shouldn't damage herself so
Much that she ruins the good
Once she finally finds it.

I need to tell her not to
Ruin her life, my life.

I need to tell her not to
Do what she did today.