An American Prophet

[rowens]

I eat six times a day;
I see dental floss as a drug,
and I don't do them;
I believe that hypocrisy is by and large more respectable
than cleverness or, indeed, irony;
I'm only attracted to certain types of black women,
in fact, the same is true of white women;
I may be ugly, but I'd rather be alone forever
than taste the weight of an unattractive woman.

I get drunk as my way of saying you're welcome;
though I never brush my teeth, I never have had a toothache,
and I eat ice cream with my front teeth even though it hurts;
I have read more than a college professor has time to teach
in a semester; I believe, even though obviousness has proved that there is no supernatural
reality, that God and other so-called supernatural phenomena exist naturally;
I would not use a condom with a woman I loved,
and not for conservative reasons but for religious reasons;
using a condom is like not even having sex,
I could just as well jerk off for all the good it would do;

there is hardly a day I spend alone,
I have talked people out of suicide
and talked virgins out of self-deprivation, even though they were too young for me
to do anything with;
I have never broken a law, not because I respect the fictional rules of the state
but because I have better things to do than to notice if something I've done has broken a law;
I have played the lottery, and lost.
I have won at certain other games,
I've physically assaulted men bigger than me and have been respected
for that, and for only that, reason.
I don't believe in the necessity for respect.

I have made love to women that didn't love me;
I have made exceptions for them, because I loved them;
I have never compromised in anything:
if anything, I have failed,
and I have learned from my mistakes.
If there are aliens on other planets, that's good to know.
I don't particularly like innovations in communication technology;
one time I really did see something that has been scientifically proven not to exist;
I eat meat only after the animal is dead;
if I lie, it's always because someone would sin if I didn't.
Sin is something that is negotiable,
I know that God understands more than people give Him credit for.
What? Did you think He is stupid?

There's a difference between stupidity and wisdom.
God needs neither;
but we do . . .

That is the point.