Funeral

[Todd]

Hi Stephanie,

Let me give you some comments below, hopefully they'll help some.

Trying to go for something very clear and simple today as I am struggling with clarity in my writing at the moment. There isn't quite enough space for the layout I want here - the long line is meant to be on one line not two if that makes sense.


Funeral--The title gives it away, which is fine, but realize with a different title which I'm not advocating you open up the reader line by line to what is occurring. With this layout you need some sort of epiphany or revelation to give the poem the punch it needs. I hope that's clear.

We do not speak.--great first line and good use of space with the break. This is in some ways the theme of the poem. If words cannot be expressed if emotions refuse to process how does the pain or loss show itself--that should be probably where the lines take us.

Car pressing--This break doesn't buy you much in my opinion. I also fail to see how the car itself silences you. A hearse passing could have that effect. Traveling with the body maybe. I think you need to go a layer or two deeper to get why you are silent. Another point though is that you've already dealt with this in the first line. Economy would dictate that you give us something new or some new aspect of the silence
tongues flat--This is okay, though I don't think of worn clothes as flat maybe play with the idea of being creased (there's a sense of crushing or pressing down with that word that might imply strain)
as the smart black--I like smart black, and the idea that it stuck to the skin. There feels like there needs to be something else to add to the emotional tension. I need to feel a build up despite the terrible quiet.
stuck to our skin.--I feel like there should be more imagery or figurative language here though just a thought


Returning we burst,
stretch lungs,
let our tongues rattle
joyous shit.--I have no issue with curse words. I feel joyous shit doesn't add to the tongues rattle more. You have rattle and stretch maybe serpent imagery. "In the day you eat of the fruit you will die." not saying you go there but you could layer this a bit while remaining crisp with your word choices. "joyous shit" has a shorthand quality to it here that I don't like.

Five minutes from home my brother stops the driver to piss against a roadside tree.--I don't mind this as a final line provided you build the tension to this moment. Piss is waste in a way. It works for me.

So much we cannot hold.--Too leading at the end. I'd end with the long line. If you wanted to reuse this line, you could make it an alternate title.

Maybe more words than I'd normally share in mild, but again I hope some of it is helpful.

Best,

Todd