04-16-2014, 10:59 PM
(04-16-2014, 05:25 PM)Stephanie Wrote: I really love the idea behind this poem, I think it could be really beautiful. At the moment I found it a bit hard to get into the flow of it, I wonder if it is worth playing with the order a bit or perhaps the form to see if the facts and the parts of storytelling can be weaved together a bit more. There are some haunting images in there, the pets in empty apartments for example, that let the reader do the work but other parts where you are doing all the telling for us - the part about the hospital for example, there was nothing left for me to see if that makes sense. I wonder about the first line, perhaps try one of the story lines - Death had my father's attention is the one that jumped out at me. Maybe get the whole thing on post it notes and see what happens!The poem is in chronological order as it stands, but I do like your Post It notes suggestion. Thanks for the read. FYI: The "pets in empty apartments" is just as much a fact as any fact in there. The woman who told me the story worked across the street from WTC. Doctor told her to stay home on 9/11 b/c she had a bad cold.
(04-16-2014, 06:28 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: I have seen a couple similar 'semi-found' poems before. Although the true factoids are sometimes braided with poetic strophes that are more related, I find the contrasting vignettes achieved herein effective as is the switch from tragedy to love in the close. I have a small nit with the 'even more...' in the final line. Somehow the change from frequency to intensity seems off, but it is probably me.FYI: all stanzas are facts, but glad you noticed the contrasting vignettes and the closing.
"even more"...trying to emphasis the shift. It is not you.
As always, thanks for your "small nits"...they help.