Lover Under Construction

[tectak]

(jeremy/Dale edit2) Much obliged!
Hi Chris,
this is goodenough so all my nits are small. I am not LOOKING for problems but some just peep at me. Meter in this is really not of the essence because the words are so good...that is about the only time I say that So.
Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another loverI could try to build a lover
inside the garden shedin the garden shed Why the change? Because we are unsure whether you are building ANOTHER lover (as you have already built one) or you are building another LOVER to supplement/replace the one you have but did not necessarily build. I don't like uncertainty because whichever way it swings form now on will mean I need to keep checking. This was the first thing that rankled...but not a lot
from my nursery of botanicals
and a chattering of doves. See. Such good word control. Envy
Should I go exclusively vegetable,
employing sap and cellulose
or fuse animal with spiritual
using milk and aureoles. How I like this. It is a metaphoric leap into the unknown but the imagery holds like bungee and I am hoist aloft again.

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed. You could get away with the statemental " the Vetruvian Man, deformed". I have to negotiate "...Man's deformed" though it is not wrong. I just think my way is righter...your poem as AIO
I had considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
yet Monroe was unreliable If you must....though "but" not "yet" as going to Hollywood is not a causitive exception...so it needs no pensive consideration. If you use "but" you are back on track with the "I had considered going to Hollywood, da-dee da-dee-da de da-dee-da, BUT..."
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula Clever enjambment but not convincingly deliberate...you are that good!
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of night,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs Very nice texture. Worthy
as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns with the task
of recreating Odysseus.

You know this is good so I will shut up.
Best,
tectak
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Lover Under Construction

I could try to build another lover
inside the garden shed
from a nursery of botanicals
and chattering of doves.

Should I go exclusively vegetable,
using sap and cellulose
or altogether animal
with milk and aureoles?

I’ve amassed a muddle of body bags,
an archive of Da Vinci drafts,
but Mona Lisa was truly homely,
the Vetruvian Man's deformed.

I’ve considered going Hollywood,
hoarding silicon and celluloid,
but Monroe was unreliable
and Taylor, much too hyped.

It takes decades to build pyramids,
longer molding perfect breasts,
millennia to ensnare that nebula
of intellect, thought and mood.

I should pinch that cheeky moon
from beneath the black skirt of midnight,
use Orion’s Belt to cinch her in,
a skein of storks to crochet legs

as peerless as Homer’s epic,
like Calypso’s lissome limbs,
pacing caverns while at task
rebuilding Odysseus.