04-15-2014, 09:35 PM
When wanderers from the forest dwell
inside our cozy homes,
So too, does our friendship yield
a place apart from the dell
for wanderers forsaken the forest for hell. (forsaking would make more sense here)
In forests like ours, a while back (inverted order , ‘a while back’ interrupts these lines about the forest)
where wind whispers with a whimpering sigh,
something urged them from the black.
Perhaps a child's feeble cry
withdrew the creatures from the night
Don't speculate the reason why.
It's hoped to be a humble delight
that pulled them from the shadowed tree ( these two lines doesn’t make sense maybe ‘ it seemed to be a humble delight’)
such as the food and gifts they like
that bring them to us on their knees
remaining starving, never sated,
the cause of children's agonies.(this doesn’t make sense – looks like it’s just thrown in for the rhyme)
When nightmares strike the sleepy towns, unabated,
because the fiend chose to condescend (who is this fiend – no mention of one before or after)
caprice to curiosity, never not now appreciated, (‘never not now’ doesn’t make sense)
away he's driven, away by the men
armed with spears and fire (needs period for the next two lines to make sense))
to run through the forest, without any end,
Remains his one and only desire.
Now not one remains alive
to settle this despicable ire.
They all are dead, though how they strive
remaining alive through cruel pursuit (hang on you just said they were all dead – now they’re remaining alive)
The friends they had now take their lives
without debate, the point is moot.
I think the attempt to rhyme this was a mistake – you don’t have a pattern and there’s no meter to round out the rhymes –i found the rhyming distracting and somewhat forced , and it seemed to detract from the seriousness of the poem.
The poem reminded me of possums –they’re native here in Australia but in New Zealand they’re an introduced pest and are hunted out. I can only assume you’re talking about squirrels or something similar as you don’t name your creatures... which makes the poem a bit vague.
Still, the theme and last two lines I liked – reminded me of ‘The Puzzled Game Birds” by Thomas Hardy
They are not those who used to feed us
When we were young--they cannot be -
These shapes that now bereave and bleed us?
They are not those who used to feed us, -
For would they not fair terms concede us?
- If hearts can house such treachery
They are not those who used to feed us
When we were young--they cannot be!
Best of luck with your edit
Marianne
inside our cozy homes,
So too, does our friendship yield
a place apart from the dell
for wanderers forsaken the forest for hell. (forsaking would make more sense here)
In forests like ours, a while back (inverted order , ‘a while back’ interrupts these lines about the forest)
where wind whispers with a whimpering sigh,
something urged them from the black.
Perhaps a child's feeble cry
withdrew the creatures from the night
Don't speculate the reason why.
It's hoped to be a humble delight
that pulled them from the shadowed tree ( these two lines doesn’t make sense maybe ‘ it seemed to be a humble delight’)
such as the food and gifts they like
that bring them to us on their knees
remaining starving, never sated,
the cause of children's agonies.(this doesn’t make sense – looks like it’s just thrown in for the rhyme)
When nightmares strike the sleepy towns, unabated,
because the fiend chose to condescend (who is this fiend – no mention of one before or after)
caprice to curiosity, never not now appreciated, (‘never not now’ doesn’t make sense)
away he's driven, away by the men
armed with spears and fire (needs period for the next two lines to make sense))
to run through the forest, without any end,
Remains his one and only desire.
Now not one remains alive
to settle this despicable ire.
They all are dead, though how they strive
remaining alive through cruel pursuit (hang on you just said they were all dead – now they’re remaining alive)
The friends they had now take their lives
without debate, the point is moot.
I think the attempt to rhyme this was a mistake – you don’t have a pattern and there’s no meter to round out the rhymes –i found the rhyming distracting and somewhat forced , and it seemed to detract from the seriousness of the poem.
The poem reminded me of possums –they’re native here in Australia but in New Zealand they’re an introduced pest and are hunted out. I can only assume you’re talking about squirrels or something similar as you don’t name your creatures... which makes the poem a bit vague.
Still, the theme and last two lines I liked – reminded me of ‘The Puzzled Game Birds” by Thomas Hardy
They are not those who used to feed us
When we were young--they cannot be -
These shapes that now bereave and bleed us?
They are not those who used to feed us, -
For would they not fair terms concede us?
- If hearts can house such treachery
They are not those who used to feed us
When we were young--they cannot be!
Best of luck with your edit
Marianne