04-13-2014, 11:35 AM
As far as the form of the whole poem:Form wise, you start off with four foot lines, but wander away for that after the fourth. I think you should hold to the pattern throughout, even though it is not metered. For the most part this is in rhyming couplets, except where it is not. Some seem forced.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have time for the whole poem for the rest of the critique, so Ill look at the first stanza:
Pointless violence in all of its forms (Unsupportable hyperbole: violence always has a purpose, usually to give the person who is raging something to hurt in order to feel better. Everyone has some sadism inside of them. Some more than others. To open a poem with something that is patently untrue, cast suspicion upon the validity of the speakers thesis.)
With waste of life its halls adorns. (who is "it's and where is this place?)
We who stand erect, above,
Of pity full and full of love,
We humans, we who also fail
To sympathize with suffering wails
Can we let anyone fall by the wayside? (Please don't cap words that don't start a sentence, it makes it difficult to read. There is an option in Word that allows one to change the auto cap) In terms of the last four lines they seem a bit gratuitous. It seems to be setting up a "look at us how noble we are, and look at them how cruel they are. Question: is this about helping diminish cruelty to animals or showing how morally superior your group is.)
Where most does cruelty strike chords of anger? (forced rhyme)(as far as I know cruelty is driven by anger, even sadism, so this line seems nonsensical to me)
When it happens to friends, animals, strangers? (The answer should be where helpless animal or human are dealt blows of abuse_abuse covers a wide range of behaviors without having to list them all.)
How does one smell the roses, and just enjoy life
When reminded of cruelty, when reminded of strife? (are these mutually exclusive?)
And oh, how cruel actions build up until unbearable; (That is sort of the way it happens, isn't it?)
For every cause a reaction; in this case, it is terrible.
How can we allow this madness to abide? (I don't think madness is an appropriate word here. A mad dog is put down, are you recommending the same for humans that abuse animals, or should they be put in institutions for the criminally insane.)
This would make a very good Johnathan Edwards sermon. If you are preaching to the choir to get them riled up, this might work. I doubt you will get any converts as the tone is too preachy and too full of self-righteous zeal. I think focusing on the people who abuse animals is not where your focus should be, but rather on the animals' stories, and how they were abused.
____________________________________________________________
Have a look at cidermaid's poem
War Horse" in this link war horse
I think you will find it instructive.
______________________________________________________
Best
Dale
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have time for the whole poem for the rest of the critique, so Ill look at the first stanza:
Pointless violence in all of its forms (Unsupportable hyperbole: violence always has a purpose, usually to give the person who is raging something to hurt in order to feel better. Everyone has some sadism inside of them. Some more than others. To open a poem with something that is patently untrue, cast suspicion upon the validity of the speakers thesis.)
With waste of life its halls adorns. (who is "it's and where is this place?)
We who stand erect, above,
Of pity full and full of love,
We humans, we who also fail
To sympathize with suffering wails
Can we let anyone fall by the wayside? (Please don't cap words that don't start a sentence, it makes it difficult to read. There is an option in Word that allows one to change the auto cap) In terms of the last four lines they seem a bit gratuitous. It seems to be setting up a "look at us how noble we are, and look at them how cruel they are. Question: is this about helping diminish cruelty to animals or showing how morally superior your group is.)
Where most does cruelty strike chords of anger? (forced rhyme)(as far as I know cruelty is driven by anger, even sadism, so this line seems nonsensical to me)
When it happens to friends, animals, strangers? (The answer should be where helpless animal or human are dealt blows of abuse_abuse covers a wide range of behaviors without having to list them all.)
How does one smell the roses, and just enjoy life
When reminded of cruelty, when reminded of strife? (are these mutually exclusive?)
And oh, how cruel actions build up until unbearable; (That is sort of the way it happens, isn't it?)
For every cause a reaction; in this case, it is terrible.
How can we allow this madness to abide? (I don't think madness is an appropriate word here. A mad dog is put down, are you recommending the same for humans that abuse animals, or should they be put in institutions for the criminally insane.)
This would make a very good Johnathan Edwards sermon. If you are preaching to the choir to get them riled up, this might work. I doubt you will get any converts as the tone is too preachy and too full of self-righteous zeal. I think focusing on the people who abuse animals is not where your focus should be, but rather on the animals' stories, and how they were abused.
____________________________________________________________
Have a look at cidermaid's poem
War Horse" in this link war horse
I think you will find it instructive.
______________________________________________________
Best
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.