04-11-2014, 10:02 PM
The meaning is clearer and more specific. There are still lines in each stanza that are off, too short or too long. Generally you have three foot lines, which is what I corrected for in this stanza.
original
"Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east (northwest would be one word, or divided by a conjunction, for balance it should be "and".)
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast. "
Possible corrections for line length.
Where was this beast last seen?
an alarm was passed along;
north, and south, west and east
taking weak or strong
clawed down by addiction (not a great solution)
broken bodies, for his feast.
For a pattern to emulate, the first line in this stanza is more or less in iambic trimeter. Although that would probably need to be a consideration for a different poem. Generally I would recommend a longer line, but this has a nice stalking feel to it. Others may dissent. Personally I believe the line pattern should fit and support the content of the poem, and not vice versa. I think imposing a form onto the poem (unless one is competent to do so) creates a sense of artificiality, thus making the form the focus rather than the content. I am not condoning ignoring learning the forms of formal poetry, but accentual verse (simply counting the stresses in the line) seems best for now as regards this poem.
Dale
original
"Where was this beast last seen?
words of alarm passed along;
north,west, south and east (northwest would be one word, or divided by a conjunction, for balance it should be "and".)
taking down weak and strong
with the claws of addiction.
mutilated bodies, for his feast. "
Possible corrections for line length.
Where was this beast last seen?
an alarm was passed along;
north, and south, west and east
taking weak or strong
clawed down by addiction (not a great solution)
broken bodies, for his feast.
For a pattern to emulate, the first line in this stanza is more or less in iambic trimeter. Although that would probably need to be a consideration for a different poem. Generally I would recommend a longer line, but this has a nice stalking feel to it. Others may dissent. Personally I believe the line pattern should fit and support the content of the poem, and not vice versa. I think imposing a form onto the poem (unless one is competent to do so) creates a sense of artificiality, thus making the form the focus rather than the content. I am not condoning ignoring learning the forms of formal poetry, but accentual verse (simply counting the stresses in the line) seems best for now as regards this poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.