04-11-2014, 02:47 PM
I liked your first two opening lines – good meter there and throughout - bit unsure about’ worth the cost/of living’ – looks like two tired old phrases rolled into one. Haunt me through the years is also a bit old...
‘ patronize my heart with dollar signs‘ doesn’t make much sense to me – that’s like saying patronize with a capital letter or patronize with punctuation... ‘ patronize/my heart with lesser things.’ or something similar may be an improvement.
You seem to have a tense problem – the poem starts out present tense ‘i do not’ then jumps to past tense “then you left me’ then back to present tense ‘I wonder’ You could fix this by changing ‘then you left me’ to something like ‘But you left me’.
Besides that, I enjoyed it – good meter and a nice image in the opening lines.
‘ patronize my heart with dollar signs‘ doesn’t make much sense to me – that’s like saying patronize with a capital letter or patronize with punctuation... ‘ patronize/my heart with lesser things.’ or something similar may be an improvement.
You seem to have a tense problem – the poem starts out present tense ‘i do not’ then jumps to past tense “then you left me’ then back to present tense ‘I wonder’ You could fix this by changing ‘then you left me’ to something like ‘But you left me’.
Besides that, I enjoyed it – good meter and a nice image in the opening lines.