04-11-2014, 03:42 AM
Hello Thoughtjotter,
I liked the thought of the poem; sometimes these "babbling old fools" do seem to possess some kind of higher wisdom, and I think you struck a pretty good balance between irony and empathy. I do think there are still some problems with your poem, though; biggest problem for me is that you sometimes seem to force meaning for the sake of rhyme.
I liked the thought of the poem; sometimes these "babbling old fools" do seem to possess some kind of higher wisdom, and I think you struck a pretty good balance between irony and empathy. I do think there are still some problems with your poem, though; biggest problem for me is that you sometimes seem to force meaning for the sake of rhyme.
(04-08-2014, 02:32 AM)Thoughtjotter Wrote: Are there no disciples of the babbling old fool, Good first line, I enjoyed the playful irony of "disciples of the babbling old fool".
with the erudition of an accredited school?You're saying here that a school can be erudite, which sounds a bit off to me.
Self assured of his intellectual mind,I think you could propably find a more interesting adjective than "intellectual", maybe try to find someting unexpected?
why are these believers so hard to find?
His profound thoughts could not be kept to himself,Maybe use present tense here? Also "profound" feels a bit rote.
should such brilliance gather dust on the shelf?"Collect dust on the shelf" feels clichéd, and mainly chosen for the rhyme.
He babbles aloud to anyone within range,Maybe try to find a different verb to add some more color, you already have the babbling.
any marvelous phrase that he could arrange.range/arrange is a poor rhyme. Also "marvelous" doesn't feel like an inspired adjective.
The last verse, the "punchline", feels weak to me. I would try to think some more about what you want your reader to take away from your poem; right now it seems you're simply restating that he knows a lot (or so he thinks.) Maybe this could be an opportunity to delve a bit deeper in the psychology of the man? Why is he babbling? Does he know that he's babbling? etc.
Never demanding to be understood,
Sharing his gift could only be good.Why is it good? This line reads like filler to get the rhyme.
Those who know him can always expect,
There is no subject in which he can not reflect.This last line feels a beat too long (the preceding three lines are tetrameter and the last one is a pentameter.)