04-10-2014, 07:04 PM
Very grateful to you Kindofahippy for your detailed crit - this is just the sort of thing I was hoping for on this forum.
S4L2 fixed thanks
S4L4 this was supposed to be a reference to the bicycle's bell but it is a bit murky I'll have to think on that one
S5L1 later she gives him a cupcake (a muffin to you maybe?) which is why I used 'a cake' - but some cake does make more sense.
S6L4 I I(it would seem incorrectly) say gen-i-us so I missed this meter problem
S8L1 thanks for this suggestion getting rid of 'lots of'
S8L4 i like your suggestion and I'll take it thank you very much
S9L3 your suggestion has 15 syllables too. I'll delete the second 'it' to fix the meter - It may sound to you exclusive, may sound a little odd-
S12 suggestions taken
S13 I don't like this stanza either - I'll work on it...
the last line is a bit pathetic I agree...
You've given me enough help here to start an edit and thank you for that - this is an oldie I've dug up to improve and it's a bit hard for me to edit it when it's been in this state for years and I'm used to it. A different eye is what's needed and you've done a great job critting it for me.
Working on an edit in between other jobs - which I'll post when I finish.
BTW I usually say MADam and maDam seems insulting but then so are many religious callers.... And I say MAGaZINE which may be wrong...
Most effusive thanks to you.
Marianne
S4L2 fixed thanks
S4L4 this was supposed to be a reference to the bicycle's bell but it is a bit murky I'll have to think on that one
S5L1 later she gives him a cupcake (a muffin to you maybe?) which is why I used 'a cake' - but some cake does make more sense.
S6L4 I I(it would seem incorrectly) say gen-i-us so I missed this meter problem
S8L1 thanks for this suggestion getting rid of 'lots of'
S8L4 i like your suggestion and I'll take it thank you very much
S9L3 your suggestion has 15 syllables too. I'll delete the second 'it' to fix the meter - It may sound to you exclusive, may sound a little odd-
S12 suggestions taken
S13 I don't like this stanza either - I'll work on it...
the last line is a bit pathetic I agree...
You've given me enough help here to start an edit and thank you for that - this is an oldie I've dug up to improve and it's a bit hard for me to edit it when it's been in this state for years and I'm used to it. A different eye is what's needed and you've done a great job critting it for me.
Working on an edit in between other jobs - which I'll post when I finish.
BTW I usually say MADam and maDam seems insulting but then so are many religious callers.... And I say MAGaZINE which may be wrong...
Most effusive thanks to you.
Marianne