04-10-2014, 05:36 PM
Scheme and Meter:
An even meter of 14 syllables throughout, except where it falters and makes the smooth ripples of rhyme into ugly mess of waves. The first four stanzas kept an intriguing da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, ba-da-da-dum feel to them with the scheme (is that the right word, Dale?) of
1
2
1
2
1
2
1
2
3
4
after which it breaks into free verse, if that's the right term. I honestly think this line arrangement makes the first four stanzas so sonically pleasing to the ears when read out loud. When the rhyme just doesn't sound right, I think it's because of technical things like this (see the Basic Meter thread for more).
What I'd change if it was my poem:
S (Stanza) 4
Line) 2
What makes this awkward to read, with an abrupt ending, like your voice isn't sure how to stop reading the line, isn't the long word; it's the long meter. S4 goes 14 15 14 14, like a speed bump keeping you from a thrilling burst of acceleration. Just delete "clear", read the stanza, and feel the difference.
S4:4
This line is nonsense for the sake of rhyme. Here and later in the poem, I think it would be better to try and find a good analogy to church bells, even if it doesn't rhyme at first (a rhyme can almost always be shoehorned later, with how many crazy words and archaisms there are in English).
S5:1
A whole cake?! Perhaps just have "some" cake, why don't you.
S6:4
The break in meter here is fine, it helps slow down the dialogue before the man starts speaking again. However, if you want to give it 14 syllables, just add "that you have".
S7:1
"Than"
S8:1
This stanza reads poorly, I have reason to believe, because of two errors: the meter (16 14 14 15) and the third line. For the first line, you could just delete "lots of" (which adds arrogance and pomposity, and builds up to a steaming, angry rant without building up tongue-twisting syllables).
S8:3
A man, exhausted from a bicycle ride and allergic to opposing views, goes on an angry rant about how right he is and how wrong she and everyone else is. He wouldn't use many contractions, he would use emphatics: My Church will have a Brochure just to say what's wrong with yours.
S8:4
Okay, here you could just delete "for" and add a colon: that would heighten the drama with a sharp pause not even a period can muster up. I have a better idea, however, that I think you might like judging by your writing style: "you no longer need your guilt:" I love this because it takes the traditional Christian value of Jesus assauging our guilt (I have it, you have it, we all have it), even going so far as to say that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ", and reverses it by saying that 'You can't hide your shameful secrets from us, we'll rat them out and let the community know, so you might as well stop feeling guilty.'
S9:3
To fix the jarring 15 syllables here, consider, It may sound Exclusive, it may even sound a little Odd. That would put the emphasis on, Odd.
S10:3
Ow ow ow ow ow ow, this hurts to read out loud. The content is amazing though, and if you make a couple small improvements, you can take this beautiful diamond of poetry and properly ensconce it in gold. Line 2 wouldn't be so harsh if it wasn't for a two-syllable increase in Line 3. Just change "especially" to 'certainly'. Oh, and lines 5/6 here are my favorite in the whole poem, honestly, Bravado!
S11:8
Read the line. Delete the word "it". Now read the line again. See the difference? You get rid of the physical barrier of a window and see through the galaxy. Do you see like I do, or is your vision limited to your finances, your health, and your fear of death? Do worries have you so wrapped up that you have no time to watch a butterfly land on a flower? Are you too busy to pause with your kids at night to watch the stars, the ones outside in the sky?
S12:3-4
To harmonize this fine stanza, consider deleting "But" in line three, and change "He'll" to 'He will' in line four. I find that it slows down the stanza just enough to give it a sinister tinge.
S13:1-4
Please don't take offense at this, for this is only the opinion of one man, but I find the content in this stanza to be the most lacking of them all. If I may go on to explain, Line 2 clearly states that old televangelist vow to God for the sake of Happy Wallets. The old Give God your money and expect riches in return. However, the rest of the stanza fails to back this human weakness for greed. From the outdated "Fortnight" (What kind of magazine ships every twelve days, anyways?) to the weird inclusion of After a while, Crocodile, this stanza makes less sense than the 'crazy woman' stanza that isn't supposed to. I like changing Line 1 to 'If you like', Line 3 to Why just look at my Teeth, and how they gleam when I smile, and deleting "you" in line 4 (after God Bless).
S15:6
I need to sleep on this, I can't offer any suggestions right now, but this has to go. Even if you delete the line and leave the poem hanging, please do that. It takes this spiritual complexity of the Infinity that is God and suddenly inserts the weird thought of veal for tea. I see the Golden Calves reference, but this line still must change if nothing else.
Style
Some people can't stand random capitalization and a lack of grammar, but several popular poets use it extensively. I'm tired right now and about to go to bed, but I recall one lady, don't know her name, who frequently wrote about death and other morbid things. She used a similar style to keep serious dark subjects Infused with levity the way they ought to be.
It's clear that you enjoy using poetry as a tool to help express ideals and concepts to vast to encompass in prose. It's the polar opposite of me, and provides a wonderful, refreshing change of course. Great poem, and thank you, Mopkins, for the venerable read.
Quick question about iambs
S1:1
I stress Madam this way, though to be iambic Madam has to be stressed that way. Which is proper? Also, is this line iambic with “magazine” in the way, or can the zine part also carry some stress? Is that possible? It sounds stressed.
Over in Australia, do you carry the stress on the second syllable of Madam? Saying Ma' dam sounds almost insulting.
An even meter of 14 syllables throughout, except where it falters and makes the smooth ripples of rhyme into ugly mess of waves. The first four stanzas kept an intriguing da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, ba-da-da-dum feel to them with the scheme (is that the right word, Dale?) of
1
2
1
2
1
2
1
2
3
4
after which it breaks into free verse, if that's the right term. I honestly think this line arrangement makes the first four stanzas so sonically pleasing to the ears when read out loud. When the rhyme just doesn't sound right, I think it's because of technical things like this (see the Basic Meter thread for more).
What I'd change if it was my poem:
S (Stanza) 4
Line) 2What makes this awkward to read, with an abrupt ending, like your voice isn't sure how to stop reading the line, isn't the long word; it's the long meter. S4 goes 14 15 14 14, like a speed bump keeping you from a thrilling burst of acceleration. Just delete "clear", read the stanza, and feel the difference.
S4:4
This line is nonsense for the sake of rhyme. Here and later in the poem, I think it would be better to try and find a good analogy to church bells, even if it doesn't rhyme at first (a rhyme can almost always be shoehorned later, with how many crazy words and archaisms there are in English).
S5:1
A whole cake?! Perhaps just have "some" cake, why don't you.
S6:4
The break in meter here is fine, it helps slow down the dialogue before the man starts speaking again. However, if you want to give it 14 syllables, just add "that you have".
S7:1
"Than"
S8:1
This stanza reads poorly, I have reason to believe, because of two errors: the meter (16 14 14 15) and the third line. For the first line, you could just delete "lots of" (which adds arrogance and pomposity, and builds up to a steaming, angry rant without building up tongue-twisting syllables).
S8:3
A man, exhausted from a bicycle ride and allergic to opposing views, goes on an angry rant about how right he is and how wrong she and everyone else is. He wouldn't use many contractions, he would use emphatics: My Church will have a Brochure just to say what's wrong with yours.
S8:4
Okay, here you could just delete "for" and add a colon: that would heighten the drama with a sharp pause not even a period can muster up. I have a better idea, however, that I think you might like judging by your writing style: "you no longer need your guilt:" I love this because it takes the traditional Christian value of Jesus assauging our guilt (I have it, you have it, we all have it), even going so far as to say that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ", and reverses it by saying that 'You can't hide your shameful secrets from us, we'll rat them out and let the community know, so you might as well stop feeling guilty.'
S9:3
To fix the jarring 15 syllables here, consider, It may sound Exclusive, it may even sound a little Odd. That would put the emphasis on, Odd.
S10:3
Ow ow ow ow ow ow, this hurts to read out loud. The content is amazing though, and if you make a couple small improvements, you can take this beautiful diamond of poetry and properly ensconce it in gold. Line 2 wouldn't be so harsh if it wasn't for a two-syllable increase in Line 3. Just change "especially" to 'certainly'. Oh, and lines 5/6 here are my favorite in the whole poem, honestly, Bravado!
S11:8
Read the line. Delete the word "it". Now read the line again. See the difference? You get rid of the physical barrier of a window and see through the galaxy. Do you see like I do, or is your vision limited to your finances, your health, and your fear of death? Do worries have you so wrapped up that you have no time to watch a butterfly land on a flower? Are you too busy to pause with your kids at night to watch the stars, the ones outside in the sky?
S12:3-4
To harmonize this fine stanza, consider deleting "But" in line three, and change "He'll" to 'He will' in line four. I find that it slows down the stanza just enough to give it a sinister tinge.
S13:1-4
Please don't take offense at this, for this is only the opinion of one man, but I find the content in this stanza to be the most lacking of them all. If I may go on to explain, Line 2 clearly states that old televangelist vow to God for the sake of Happy Wallets. The old Give God your money and expect riches in return. However, the rest of the stanza fails to back this human weakness for greed. From the outdated "Fortnight" (What kind of magazine ships every twelve days, anyways?) to the weird inclusion of After a while, Crocodile, this stanza makes less sense than the 'crazy woman' stanza that isn't supposed to. I like changing Line 1 to 'If you like', Line 3 to Why just look at my Teeth, and how they gleam when I smile, and deleting "you" in line 4 (after God Bless).
S15:6
I need to sleep on this, I can't offer any suggestions right now, but this has to go. Even if you delete the line and leave the poem hanging, please do that. It takes this spiritual complexity of the Infinity that is God and suddenly inserts the weird thought of veal for tea. I see the Golden Calves reference, but this line still must change if nothing else.
Style
Some people can't stand random capitalization and a lack of grammar, but several popular poets use it extensively. I'm tired right now and about to go to bed, but I recall one lady, don't know her name, who frequently wrote about death and other morbid things. She used a similar style to keep serious dark subjects Infused with levity the way they ought to be.
It's clear that you enjoy using poetry as a tool to help express ideals and concepts to vast to encompass in prose. It's the polar opposite of me, and provides a wonderful, refreshing change of course. Great poem, and thank you, Mopkins, for the venerable read.
Quick question about iambs
S1:1
I stress Madam this way, though to be iambic Madam has to be stressed that way. Which is proper? Also, is this line iambic with “magazine” in the way, or can the zine part also carry some stress? Is that possible? It sounds stressed.
Over in Australia, do you carry the stress on the second syllable of Madam? Saying Ma' dam sounds almost insulting.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line