04-09-2014, 09:34 PM
That is incredible, the story is original and entertaining with deep spiritual iimplications. I've always expressed tthat the gid I believe in is too big to fit in a book. I'm new to critiquing poetry, so I may be confused about some of the rules, if I understand correctly though, it is not necessary for the words to rhyme in a narrative. It seems like you tried to do just that, and came extremely close, most of it fits and flows wit the conversation nicely, some of it like "contraption and circumambulation" the later sounds awkward against the former when all they share is the "tion"sound. "Yours" and "flaws" as well as "lord" and "abroad" these are somewhat close in their sound, though not enough to rhyme, and while it may not be necessary to rhyme, coming close to it while surrounded by lines that do, make the lines seem to flop.
Aside from the concept as a whole, there were some lines I thoroughly enjoyed. The two lines that ended "we have a copyright on God" and the ones that ended in "all the Golden Calves you find in human hearts" personally I found that to be a master stroke. Great poem!
Aside from the concept as a whole, there were some lines I thoroughly enjoyed. The two lines that ended "we have a copyright on God" and the ones that ended in "all the Golden Calves you find in human hearts" personally I found that to be a master stroke. Great poem!