04-09-2014, 05:51 AM
I agree largely with thoughtjotter, with one exception. But first I'll sneak in a copyedit . . .
Babbling Old Fool
Are there no disciples of the babbling old fool,
with the erudition of an accredited school?
[quick note: the preceding line could be collapsed by "erudite" instead of "with the erudition"]
Self[-]assured of his intellectual mind,
["intellectual" is probably the default understanding of "mind," so possibly redundant . . .]
why are these believers so hard [for him] to find?
His profound thoughts could not be kept to himself,
should such brilliance gather dust on the shelf?
He babbles aloud to anyone within range,
any marvelous phrase that he could arrange.
--here's where I disagree with thoughtblotter. A lot of these pronouns can just be kicked, w no loss to meaning, as in:
profound thoughts could not be kept,
should such brilliance gather dust on the shelf?
Babbles range to
any marvelous arrangement;
Never demanding to be understood,
Sharing his gift could only be good.
Those who know him can always expect
[in the line above you've got a goofer. The word "that" is often "supplied" in English. When the omitted "that" falls into a caesura, the native instinct is to throw a comma in. It should be omitted.]
There is no subject in which he can not reflect.
Babbling Old Fool
Are there no disciples of the babbling old fool,
with the erudition of an accredited school?
[quick note: the preceding line could be collapsed by "erudite" instead of "with the erudition"]
Self[-]assured of his intellectual mind,
["intellectual" is probably the default understanding of "mind," so possibly redundant . . .]
why are these believers so hard [for him] to find?
His profound thoughts could not be kept to himself,
should such brilliance gather dust on the shelf?
He babbles aloud to anyone within range,
any marvelous phrase that he could arrange.
--here's where I disagree with thoughtblotter. A lot of these pronouns can just be kicked, w no loss to meaning, as in:
profound thoughts could not be kept,
should such brilliance gather dust on the shelf?
Babbles range to
any marvelous arrangement;
Never demanding to be understood,
Sharing his gift could only be good.
Those who know him can always expect
[in the line above you've got a goofer. The word "that" is often "supplied" in English. When the omitted "that" falls into a caesura, the native instinct is to throw a comma in. It should be omitted.]
There is no subject in which he can not reflect.