I've not yet decided on a title

[Burlesque3Rogue]

Empty idols,
Built to be as big as the gods themselves.
Standing amongst the sacrifices of the blind, deaf and dumb.
Seek yea first the kingdom of the hypocrite and all these things shall be added unto you;

Bitterness,

Resentment,

Bigotry,

Intolerance.

You build your lives upon a cornerstone of fear,
Adding to it day by day
Until you've convinced yourself of the sanctity of the tormented life.

You punish yourselves till joy itself feels like a sin
Turning each pleasure into a labour of unrequited love.

Embittered by it you seek and destroy the hopes of others,
Illustrating your fear of fire and brimstone
You suffocate the world of all its treasures
Until hell itself seems like a beach resort.

If half the time spent looking for evil was spent looking for god
Maybe I would still have faith.

Hi,
There is so little wrong with this as a concept that, though very common as an outrage, any crit must be tempered by the absolute pre-requisite to get everything else right. So "Seek ye(not yea)" is not contextually apposite....and that in spite of any attempt to rhyme with hypocrit(e?).
"You build your.." is incredibly and arrogantly preachy. It only works for deities...so stick with "we build our" or we will not be able to communicate as equals

"You suffocate ( the world ) of..." is, as you can no doubt see, nonsense. It needs correction and you can do it. Do not be fooled by flatterers who see merit in mediocrity.
Though you sling cliches about like elementary particles in a collider, as soon as you show originality (the beach resort thing) you are doomed because you slip out of time and the warp shows. The last sentence of mine is of matching metaphors. Time,warps, elementary particles, collider....so to go from gods, sanctity, fire and brimstone in to "beach resorts" is a bit of a quantum leap
Overall, you make a good stab at a much abused subject...but I cannot see that you have written anything new. Frankly, I don't think I could either.
Best,
tectak

Thank you very much for your critique.

With regards to seek ye first I was reffering to Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."

I see what you mean about the beach resort thing, in my defence I was actually sitting on a beach when I wrote this.

I know its not original. I don't think a single original thing has been said or thought (regarding religion) in thousands of years.

Thank you again for the critique.

Xx

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Hold back on the vitriol? No way! This shit has TEETH!!!! This is writing that burns with the passion of conviction, flames fanned by personal experience of these atrocities and injustices, and fueled by the loss of one's faith. This isn't an informative piece of work, this is meant for the eyes it is about, to sting and anger them. This is a direct assault, an expression of defiance, and meant to provoke feeling. Vitriolic and serrated, violently reaching in, and tearing open on its way out.
The purpose of poetry, of art, is to evoke emotion, to make us feel. Whether it's a subtle feeling that slowly sinks in over a period of time, sweetening in our hearts and minds each time we think of it; or a smack in the face that says "wake up, this is sick, this is real, this is how I feel." For the purpose of eliciting emotion, you're bullseye. "Suffocating the world of all it's treasures" I really like that. The last two lines are powerful, they make it personal, and pull the reader into not just what you think, but how you FEEL and why. I find it intelligent, we'll written and powerful...
One thing I don't understand, why a beach resort, why not play on biblical aspects like Eden, or paradise. The beach resort kinda cheapens it for me. I like the 'gods themselves' bit, it hints both to an attack on all organized religion, as well as how the people who preach in the One God, act as if they are themselves God. I myself do believe in a universal consciousness, but religion is a plague. For your first piece it was well aimed, strongly felt, and a great beginning. As for the form of it, punctuation, all of that; I don't know. I write lyrics. This poetry biz is new. Welcome to the world of writing.

Thank you so much for the critique.

You're describing exactly what I felt as I was writing this.

You're right about the beach resort, I was actually on a beach when I wrote this so I suppose it was a subconscious choice.

Xx