04-09-2014, 03:15 AM
(04-07-2014, 12:35 AM)Burlesque3Rogue Wrote: Empty idols,Hi,
Built to be as big as the gods themselves.
Standing amongst the sacrifices of the blind, deaf and dumb.
Seek yea first the kingdom of the hypocrite and all these things shall be added unto you;
Bitterness,
Resentment,
Bigotry,
Intolerance.
You build your lives upon a cornerstone of fear,
Adding to it day by day
Until you've convinced yourself of the sanctity of the tormented life.
You punish yourselves till joy itself feels like a sin
Turning each pleasure into a labour of unrequited love.
Embittered by it you seek and destroy the hopes of others,
Illustrating your fear of fire and brimstone
You suffocate the world of all its treasures
Until hell itself seems like a beach resort.
If half the time spent looking for evil was spent looking for god
Maybe I would still have faith.
There is so little wrong with this as a concept that, though very common as an outrage, any crit must be tempered by the absolute pre-requisite to get everything else right. So "Seek ye(not yea)" is not contextually apposite....and that in spite of any attempt to rhyme with hypocrit(e?).
"You build your.." is incredibly and arrogantly preachy. It only works for deities...so stick with "we build our" or we will not be able to communicate as equals

"You suffocate ( the world ) of..." is, as you can no doubt see, nonsense. It needs correction and you can do it. Do not be fooled by flatterers who see merit in mediocrity.
Though you sling cliches about like elementary particles in a collider, as soon as you show originality (the beach resort thing) you are doomed because you slip out of time and the warp shows. The last sentence of mine is of matching metaphors. Time,warps, elementary particles, collider....so to go from gods, sanctity, fire and brimstone in to "beach resorts" is a bit of a quantum leap
Overall, you make a good stab at a much abused subject...but I cannot see that you have written anything new. Frankly, I don't think I could either.
Best,
tectak

