04-08-2014, 07:01 PM
On Cloudless Nights
What ya did,- the slang ‘ya’ here doesn’t match the ‘you’s used elsewhere
With where ya went,
When we weren't,
And I was away
Came with a wall,
That I couldn't climb,
So why weep? -? should be end of next line
When I walk away
I was always only,
Completely yours,
In an indiscretion,
You threw me away
I cannot join you,
Across that place,
Where you lingered,
Without me... but not alone
You say "if you ever -if you ever what? ‘If you ever did’ might make more sense or’ if you ever loved’
Then you would now.”
It was all of me,
And with all of me I DID
But your piece I keep,
Tucked separately inside,
For it could never reach,
Through 'that' divide - why do you start rhyming here and in the last verse – you didn’t start out rhyming and (to me) it doesn’t seem to go with the rest of the poem..
What was once a sun,
Has become a star,
Shining amongst the others,
To be treasured from afar
On Cloudless Nights...
Your last verse contains a very neat idea – the girl who was once his sun is now merely one of many stars in the sky – i liked that, but was unsure about treasured from afar – it a bit of a cliché.
I’m always being told of for using capitals at the start of every line – don’t do it- it makes you look daggy and unlearned (apparently)
Overall, this has potential. Keep at it!
What ya did,- the slang ‘ya’ here doesn’t match the ‘you’s used elsewhere
With where ya went,
When we weren't,
And I was away
Came with a wall,
That I couldn't climb,
So why weep? -? should be end of next line
When I walk away
I was always only,
Completely yours,
In an indiscretion,
You threw me away
I cannot join you,
Across that place,
Where you lingered,
Without me... but not alone
You say "if you ever -if you ever what? ‘If you ever did’ might make more sense or’ if you ever loved’
Then you would now.”
It was all of me,
And with all of me I DID
But your piece I keep,
Tucked separately inside,
For it could never reach,
Through 'that' divide - why do you start rhyming here and in the last verse – you didn’t start out rhyming and (to me) it doesn’t seem to go with the rest of the poem..
What was once a sun,
Has become a star,
Shining amongst the others,
To be treasured from afar
On Cloudless Nights...
Your last verse contains a very neat idea – the girl who was once his sun is now merely one of many stars in the sky – i liked that, but was unsure about treasured from afar – it a bit of a cliché.
I’m always being told of for using capitals at the start of every line – don’t do it- it makes you look daggy and unlearned (apparently)
Overall, this has potential. Keep at it!