04-08-2014, 04:17 AM
This poem could relate the same message with a quarter of its current length. It's way too long, which accentuates its flaws as the awkward rhythm and rhymes grow monotonous. Judging by your opening note, you're new to metered verse. Don't give up. I've been hacking away at it a while myself, and though I'm still no Shakespeare, or even a garden variety sonnet-machine, I've slowly got better. Part of the trick is to keep spitting out images, maintain a quick pace and be concise.
A problem you seem to be having right now is that you're so intent on making your rhymes and meter work you've forgotten to add texture. Without strong images and eloquent phrasing, a poem slips easily from your mind, especially when it's also as long as this one.
My critique is JMHO, of course, and really just some general advice as you move towards that perfect metered poem, which I'm certain you'll reach with a little guidance and perseverance
A problem you seem to be having right now is that you're so intent on making your rhymes and meter work you've forgotten to add texture. Without strong images and eloquent phrasing, a poem slips easily from your mind, especially when it's also as long as this one.
My critique is JMHO, of course, and really just some general advice as you move towards that perfect metered poem, which I'm certain you'll reach with a little guidance and perseverance
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe