04-07-2014, 11:04 PM
Erthona - thanks for your detailed analysis - I suck at meter and all advice in that regard is gratefully received.
I was a strange kid who read mythology so my first association with golden rain is the story or Zeus and Danae - not the more modern meaning it has today.... which i don't want creeping into the poem... Looks like because of this golden rain problem I might have to drop the mythological reference altogether and that's what the poem was initially written around....
Starting each line with a capital is a problem with me, can't afford to buy modern poetry and all my dusty old books of dusty old verse have everything capititalized, I'm fond of William Blake who loved capitals, and old habits die hard. I promise I'll try to refrain from capitalizing everything in future work.
I like your rework of the first verse, and I see your point about all the ands.... it's not my favorite word - they all just snuck in there because it wold seem I'm fond of long sentences in short poems.
Anyhow, thanks once again for the effort put in to critting this - it's much appreciated.
hi kind of a hippy,
thanks for commenting on my admittedly steamy poem.
I wrote that line ass about backwards to keep the meter going, but it's no good - it sounds forced. Unfortunately for me your edit doesn't seem to fit the meter either... And while I can count syllables I can't keep a rhythm... oh well - I'm not dead yet and there's time to learn.
Love your user name as I'm kind of a hippy too. Thanks once again for reading and commenting.
I was a strange kid who read mythology so my first association with golden rain is the story or Zeus and Danae - not the more modern meaning it has today.... which i don't want creeping into the poem... Looks like because of this golden rain problem I might have to drop the mythological reference altogether and that's what the poem was initially written around....
Starting each line with a capital is a problem with me, can't afford to buy modern poetry and all my dusty old books of dusty old verse have everything capititalized, I'm fond of William Blake who loved capitals, and old habits die hard. I promise I'll try to refrain from capitalizing everything in future work.
I like your rework of the first verse, and I see your point about all the ands.... it's not my favorite word - they all just snuck in there because it wold seem I'm fond of long sentences in short poems.
Anyhow, thanks once again for the effort put in to critting this - it's much appreciated.
hi kind of a hippy,
thanks for commenting on my admittedly steamy poem.
I wrote that line ass about backwards to keep the meter going, but it's no good - it sounds forced. Unfortunately for me your edit doesn't seem to fit the meter either... And while I can count syllables I can't keep a rhythm... oh well - I'm not dead yet and there's time to learn.
Love your user name as I'm kind of a hippy too. Thanks once again for reading and commenting.