04-07-2014, 07:16 AM
Personally and usually general/standard usage a single "God" is capitalized and multiple "gods" are not. To me this seems a petty swipe at "God", when the poem is about witch hunts and hypocrisy.
As cornerstone can not be plural as only one exists in each structure. I would suggest:
"You build your lives upon the cornerstone of fear,
building on it day by day:
Bitterness,
Resentment,
Bigotry,
Intolerance."
This continues your metaphor of cornerstone=fear. And what stones go on top of the cornerstone of fear?
I really like "pleasure into a labour of unrequited love" but it is nearly thrown away because of what comes before it. "martyr" is difficult in the mouth and also on the eyes, plus it is ambiguous. "Punish"
"You punish yourselves until joy feels like sin,
turning pleasure into a labour of unrequited love."
I like the last two lines, but mostly throughout the poem you could throttle back on the vitriol a tad, and go for a, probably not an even handed, but a slightly more objective treatment, if not you will seem as guilty of preaching as those you condemn.
Best,
Dale
BTW I did not choose the tagline next to my avatar and under my name.
As cornerstone can not be plural as only one exists in each structure. I would suggest:
"You build your lives upon the cornerstone of fear,
building on it day by day:
Bitterness,
Resentment,
Bigotry,
Intolerance."
This continues your metaphor of cornerstone=fear. And what stones go on top of the cornerstone of fear?
I really like "pleasure into a labour of unrequited love" but it is nearly thrown away because of what comes before it. "martyr" is difficult in the mouth and also on the eyes, plus it is ambiguous. "Punish"
"You punish yourselves until joy feels like sin,
turning pleasure into a labour of unrequited love."
I like the last two lines, but mostly throughout the poem you could throttle back on the vitriol a tad, and go for a, probably not an even handed, but a slightly more objective treatment, if not you will seem as guilty of preaching as those you condemn.
Best,
Dale
BTW I did not choose the tagline next to my avatar and under my name.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.