04-06-2014, 07:15 PM
To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast. -The meaning is unclear here – is it your mind that is a sickening black tarred beast or the woman in verse 4?
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing. -Again, is it the mind or the (dirty & plump?) woman which occupies the writer?
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer. -Again, who/what is the writer addressing? Is it his sense of pride, or the woman? Why broken and battered?
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls. – stay (within) the walls?
Without you I am a sheep.-This basically says my hateful sight is my purifier and guard. Doesn’t make much sense. And the sheep – why a biblical reference?
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart. -nice
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken - This verse keeps changing tense.
I like this – it has potential. You start out addressing mind, pride, vision and passion (interesting take) then confuse these with the woman. Perhaps if you followed what you seem to have started in verse one, where the first four lines refer to the writer’s mind, and the next two refer to the woman, it might make more sense? You’re either addressing these attributes or the woman – but this is not clear. In the last verse you’re both talking to and about the woman at the same time, you can fix this by making ‘she ignites’ – ‘you ignite’, and ‘she is my light’ – ‘you are my light’, in keeping with the ‘you’ in the last lines of the other verses.
Hope that helps.
You sickening, black tar'd beast. -The meaning is unclear here – is it your mind that is a sickening black tarred beast or the woman in verse 4?
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing. -Again, is it the mind or the (dirty & plump?) woman which occupies the writer?
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.
To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer. -Again, who/what is the writer addressing? Is it his sense of pride, or the woman? Why broken and battered?
To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls. – stay (within) the walls?
Without you I am a sheep.-This basically says my hateful sight is my purifier and guard. Doesn’t make much sense. And the sheep – why a biblical reference?
At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart. -nice
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken - This verse keeps changing tense.
I like this – it has potential. You start out addressing mind, pride, vision and passion (interesting take) then confuse these with the woman. Perhaps if you followed what you seem to have started in verse one, where the first four lines refer to the writer’s mind, and the next two refer to the woman, it might make more sense? You’re either addressing these attributes or the woman – but this is not clear. In the last verse you’re both talking to and about the woman at the same time, you can fix this by making ‘she ignites’ – ‘you ignite’, and ‘she is my light’ – ‘you are my light’, in keeping with the ‘you’ in the last lines of the other verses.
Hope that helps.