04-06-2014, 02:10 PM
Two Eggs
Two eggs in the pot
Two nice round eggs
The water is hot and the heat is on
We splutter and curdle
Two round eggs
In the heat of the moment -Shenaz
Two fatties having sex in a spa bath? That's the impression I got anyhow (they're round and in hot water) It also does sound a bit lesbian as they're both eggs.
I think line two could be taken out altogether - it's self-praising (the writer is saying that they and their partner are nice as well as round) and repetitive - it doesn't add anything new.
Line 3 might sound better reversed - 'the heat is on and the water is hot' -as the water being hot is a consequence of the heat being on.
Splutter and curdle to me both have negative connotations - you splutter if you're choking and something curdled is usually off and you wouldn't want to eat it. Eggs might splutter and curdle but people having sex don't. (or am I uninformed again??) so the spluttering and curdling can only be applied to the eggs, not to the people-represented-as-eggs.
That aside, I enjoyed your cute little romantic poem - well done.
Two eggs in the pot
Two nice round eggs
The water is hot and the heat is on
We splutter and curdle
Two round eggs
In the heat of the moment -Shenaz
Two fatties having sex in a spa bath? That's the impression I got anyhow (they're round and in hot water) It also does sound a bit lesbian as they're both eggs.
I think line two could be taken out altogether - it's self-praising (the writer is saying that they and their partner are nice as well as round) and repetitive - it doesn't add anything new.
Line 3 might sound better reversed - 'the heat is on and the water is hot' -as the water being hot is a consequence of the heat being on.
Splutter and curdle to me both have negative connotations - you splutter if you're choking and something curdled is usually off and you wouldn't want to eat it. Eggs might splutter and curdle but people having sex don't. (or am I uninformed again??) so the spluttering and curdling can only be applied to the eggs, not to the people-represented-as-eggs.
That aside, I enjoyed your cute little romantic poem - well done.