My saving grace

[Wjames]

To my burning churning throbbing mind,
You sickening, black tar'd beast.
You occupy me constantly,
You tainted weighty thing.
My darling manic bastion.
Without you I am no-one.

You might want to think about removing or changing one of the "You's". Tarred is a word, so I see no reason to use tar'd. I have no idea what you mean by "weighty thing".

To my dumb ignorant sense of pride,
you thick and unwavering idiot.
You are my golden armour,
broken and battered.
Shine on.
Without you I suffer.


Dumb, ignorant, thick and idiot all mean essentially the same thing, I found using all four of them unnecessary. It's broken and battered, yet still shining? Seems like a contradiction to me. Also, Shine on could be considered cliché (mostly by Pink Floyd fans).

To my deathly hateful gaze,
you cynical miserable eye.
You are my purifier,
my unforgiving guard.
Stay the walls.
Without you I am a sheep.

Calling a gaze an eye doesn't make much sense to me.

At last to you my burning passion,
she ignite's my phoenix heart.
She is my light,
my muse.
Keep the peace my saving grace.
Without you I'm forsaken

I'm confused as to what your burning passion is; is it a love for a women? Art? It's never clarified.

Those were just my thoughts as I read it. Through the first three stanzas I thought this was something of an anti-Buddhist/hindu message about the benefits of an ego. The last stanza confused me however, and I'm not sure what the central theme is.