Poetry Telephone Complete!

[Gwyneth]

Hi, "milo".
I posted this last night and it seemed to be posted in the wrong place so I removed it. Twice.
If it ends up in the wrong place again, it can jolly well stay there!!
(It may be my misunderstanding the threading, of course.)

I can't suss out the quotes within quotes, so have gone with bolding my replies. Hope that will work.

Seventh Rewrite:

This is probably my favourite of all of the rewrites. The language and sonics are both rich and effortless. Poetic technique is strong throughout.

*Thanks.* I admit I think it's worth working on it some more and was amazed how much I achieved in the time.


El coleccionista

I wasn't sure about the title. First I thought it might be a reference to the John Fowles novel. Eventually I settled on the characterization of our narrator's object of desire as a collector in the dating sense.

Actually I intended Tony as a collector of oddities. John should have realised that even the bar staff would be part of the collection.

My friend John says he wants me
to be his wingwoman; he says he's lost

I love how efficient the enjambment is in the first two line. Without the author telling me I know that the narrator is in love with her friend but that he doesn't feel the same. "Lost his head" is a cliché but it squeaks through with our informal voicing.

I don't know if I had realised that she was in love with John, but I think you may be right, though I think she has resigned herself to life in the friendzone.
"lost his head" is a pun that had to be made with John and Salomé.

his head to Sálome and needs my help;
John's lost his head to Sálome, whose voice
is cinnamon rich and warm; he's lost his heart

I wonder if it woudnt be improved by breaking into strophes. A break right after "help" would be nice. "Cinnamon rich" feels a little too poetic for me but I just might getting fussy there. I definitelt feel like the conjunction should go as well as "warm" which adds nothing that rich doesn't. It is strange that "cinnamon rich" makes me see her as a brunette. I don't know that you get away with "lost his heart"

I am working on the format and see that the first three and last three lines need to be split off from the rest. I'm not sure about how much more I want to split it, though there's a natural point at "stickiness" which is almost halfway and creates two fairly balanced pieces.

I, too, think of "cinnamon" as implying brunette or olive skinned.

Not sure whether I'm ditching "warm" as I use it again right at the end: this will depend on formatting and how much repetition/balance I achieve.

Yep. "lost his heart" is cliché.

to Sálome, the Amazon who serves the drinks
at Tony's bar, the Hélicon, where grey-draped
caryatids raise potted palms aloft while
dapper little Tony dips and flits between

I am not sure why she is an amazon, perhaps that is research for later. The only thing I can remember about the helicon that might be relevant is the story of echo and narcissus so, this is a poem that can continue to open up layers upon research and further readings. The sonics here are good if perhaps a bit ostentatious.

"Amazon" - answered elsewhere.
"Helicón" - for sound and metre as I don't want to use the real (Greek) name of the bar that inspired the images. Also I think it was home of the Muses, who presumably brought me the ideas for the poem.
As for sonics, I never know where the acceptable limit is.

lace-covered darkwood tables. Tony flicks
a practised chamois cloth at dust, pausing
to converse with regulars or recommend
his favourite from a fragrant range of teas
and gins. Along the bar, on gleaming trays,
a thousand almond leaves are honey glazed;

The last 2 lines here are absolutely beautiful.

Thank you. It was kind of a mix of Arab-style honey and almond pastries and Spanish mil hojas

they cloy with stickiness. John wants me

"they cloy with . . ." feels clumsy and the repetition of "John wants me " turns what was one cleverness into someone explaining how clever they are.

Will reconsider - although this is what I think of as the start of the second part of the piece and I do want some deliberate repeitition.

to talk to Tony, to distract and keep him
sweet, to muse on silverware and curiosities,

"keep him sweet" seems odd and for some reason the conjunction preceding it is extremely annoying

I hoped I could riff on the sweet pastries and sweet-talking. Not sure why the conjunction would annoy, but fair enough.

admire the bric-a-brac, the tumbling monkey
in the china cabinet and the desiccated
Persian cat with blue stone eyes. John's

I like the descriptions of the knick knacks, once again I feel like there are opportunities for them to open up with further reading. The linebreak on "John's" seems clumsy, especially considering the concern for linebreaks throughout.

I should probably see what deeper meanings I can hide in the china cabinet when I revise. Agree about the linebreak

lost his head to Sálome, he thinks my chattering
can deflect Tony's proprietorial look that gathers
Salomé with oddities, dead pets and flightless
concrete angels. John's lost his head to Sálome

The first time I read through this part here was an "aha" moment as I realised Tony was the collector but after re-reading a few times I am no longer sold on that.

You were right first time!

who pours the drinks at Tony's bar. Her voice
is warm as cinnamon, her eyes dark as molasses.
We order G&Ts. I talk to Tony, but I watch
as Sálome lifts the gin bottle. Her hands
are square and competent, just like a man's.

Gwyneth Box

It is a nice reveal at the end and it is accomplished effortlessly.

Thank you.

Once again, great fun, thanks for posting.

Thanks for organising the whole thing and specifically for the comments here.

---

Something I forgot - did you consider la coleccion?

Hmm. I didn't. I am not sure why, but el coleccionista just seems right to me. It is the Spanish title of the Fowles novel, but I'm not sure I had that in mind.

Thanks again.

g.