Lover Under Construction

[ChristopherSea]

Hello Chris, my first thought was why is this lined out like t is in meter when it is not? This would work well with ballad or common meter, so I rewrote some of the stanzas in something resembling meter, although it is just accentual, rhyming lines 2 and 4. You were part way there already, so why not. If you don't want to use a formal verse form, then I would suggest longer lines (The following is an example, a bad one, not a suggestion, plus you told me it was OK to rewrite your stuff if need be. Need be!).

I could try to build a lover
inside the garden shed
from all of these botanicals
and doves to fill the head.

Should I try only vegetables,
just sap and cellulose
or animal with spiritual
milk and aureoles.

I’ve amassed some body bags,
and complete Da Vinci drafts,
Mona Lisa truly ugly,
Vitruvius was daft.

I‘d considered going Hollywood,
celluloid and silicon,
Monroe was not reliable
and Taylor wasn’t home.

It takes years to build a pyramid,
more so perfect breasts,
This is as far as I got, so
you can do the rest!

Hopefully it will allow you to compare and contrast with what you already have.

dale

Thanks for the read and your time on this Dale. My answer to your query is that it was written this way as a normal progression of the 'build' process, as I explained to JohnGalt above. It also seemed to flow in the quasi-quatrain form and my preferred line breaks shuffled into those four line stacks. Your trend towards rhyming comes naturally, while mine is more spontaneous and random. Nonetheless, I will consider your suggestion, much obliged for the illustration as well.

I did take your rhyming advice for 'Avant-Garde-n' and it turned out well. However, when I did the same with 'Pitchman...' (version2), Tom was not impressed. I still managed to lighten the tenor in the free verse version1 as you suggested.

I appreciate your look and opinions. Thank you!/Chris