04-04-2014, 01:04 PM
Well George,
That seems like a poem to me
I'm not sure all of it describes Tinnitus well, but then again I don't have it, although I've people who were close to me who did.
A "minute" is composed of sixty seconds. That second stanza seems a tad hyperbolic, and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanzas/images.
This is a fine image, but could probably made clearer and more readable.
"The whistle of a man,
A sharp knife slicing the silence,
Calling out in the distance for
The dog he never had."
The distant whistle of a man
slicing the silence like a sharp
calling out for the dog he never had.
____________________________________
"The wind laughs at the joke
until it runs out of breathe,
Stops to inhale,
Then laughs again."
"a joke" would probably work better here, unless you mean the dogless man is the joke, and then I still think "a joke" works better. It's really a needless invention to connect the joke to the other stanza.
__________________________________
Purely a personal preference, but on the last stanza if you are going to use ellipsis I might put it between "humming" and "along", to create a caesura between the two, a pregnant pause, so to speak
Best,
dale
That seems like a poem to me
I'm not sure all of it describes Tinnitus well, but then again I don't have it, although I've people who were close to me who did.
A "minute" is composed of sixty seconds. That second stanza seems a tad hyperbolic, and doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanzas/images.
This is a fine image, but could probably made clearer and more readable.
"The whistle of a man,
A sharp knife slicing the silence,
Calling out in the distance for
The dog he never had."
The distant whistle of a man
slicing the silence like a sharp
calling out for the dog he never had.
____________________________________
"The wind laughs at the joke
until it runs out of breathe,
Stops to inhale,
Then laughs again."
"a joke" would probably work better here, unless you mean the dogless man is the joke, and then I still think "a joke" works better. It's really a needless invention to connect the joke to the other stanza.
__________________________________
Purely a personal preference, but on the last stanza if you are going to use ellipsis I might put it between "humming" and "along", to create a caesura between the two, a pregnant pause, so to speak
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.