04-04-2014, 08:05 AM
Hello Chris, my first thought was why is this lined out like t is in meter when it is not? This would work well with ballad or common meter, so I rewrote some of the stanzas in something resembling meter, although it is just accentual, rhyming lines 2 and 4. You were part way there already, so why not. If you don't want to use a formal verse form, then I would suggest longer lines (The following is an example, a bad one, not a suggestion, plus you told me it was OK to rewrite your stuff if need be. Need be!).
I could try to build a lover
inside the garden shed
from all of these botanicals
and doves to fill the head.
Should I try only vegetables,
just sap and cellulose
or animal with spiritual
milk and aureoles.
I’ve amassed some body bags,
and complete Da Vinci drafts,
Mona Lisa truly ugly,
Vitruvius was daft.
I‘d considered going Hollywood,
celluloid and silicon,
Monroe was not reliable
and Taylor wasn’t home.
It takes years to build a pyramid,
more so perfect breasts,
This is as far as I got, so
you can do the rest!
Hopefully it will allow you to compare and contrast with what you already have.
dale
I could try to build a lover
inside the garden shed
from all of these botanicals
and doves to fill the head.
Should I try only vegetables,
just sap and cellulose
or animal with spiritual
milk and aureoles.
I’ve amassed some body bags,
and complete Da Vinci drafts,
Mona Lisa truly ugly,
Vitruvius was daft.
I‘d considered going Hollywood,
celluloid and silicon,
Monroe was not reliable
and Taylor wasn’t home.
It takes years to build a pyramid,
more so perfect breasts,
This is as far as I got, so
you can do the rest!
Hopefully it will allow you to compare and contrast with what you already have.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.