04-02-2014, 03:26 AM
Tom,
"As for your professed rhythm...I don't feel that latin beat in this. Is it just me or is this more of a samba played on a mouthharp? Needs a stiffening of the metre methinks."
Yes, a difficult and ultimately failed experiment.
minutiae? yes should be plural.
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"playful but pointless" guilty, and in a number of places besides this.
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"making it seem so uncertain" I have no idea why I put "seem so" in the line, makes for a better line without it.
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"The Beguine is far more romantica than you describe...it brings on a night of tropical splendour....ahem...or something"
Well now it has been accused of being not enough to fulfill the role I assign it, and being more than the role I assign it.
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"pretense or pretext?Your poem" Oh come on, does "pretext" seem as though it would sonically fit in this poem, not to mention it sounding like a law brief.
"The party of the first part did not stiffly enough hold his arm, boxing in rather than boxing out the party of the second part, who contends that it was merely a ruse, or pretext if you will, to initiate physical contact by the party of the first part, that was uncalled for, nor desired by the party of the second part. The party of the first part shall herein refer to a Mr. Masterson (Sky), and the party of the second part shall herein, henceforth and forthwith refer to Miss Brown (Sister Sarah).
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Of corpse some of this is me having too much fun for I know on the morrow I shall be a grave man, and you would have me eat my toast plain, rather than with barrels of jam!
No really, good crit Tom,
Thanks,
dale
"As for your professed rhythm...I don't feel that latin beat in this. Is it just me or is this more of a samba played on a mouthharp? Needs a stiffening of the metre methinks."
Yes, a difficult and ultimately failed experiment.
minutiae? yes should be plural.
----------------------------------------
"playful but pointless" guilty, and in a number of places besides this.
--------------------------------------
"making it seem so uncertain" I have no idea why I put "seem so" in the line, makes for a better line without it.
---------------------------------------
"The Beguine is far more romantica than you describe...it brings on a night of tropical splendour....ahem...or something"
Well now it has been accused of being not enough to fulfill the role I assign it, and being more than the role I assign it.
---------------------------------------------------
"pretense or pretext?Your poem" Oh come on, does "pretext" seem as though it would sonically fit in this poem, not to mention it sounding like a law brief.
"The party of the first part did not stiffly enough hold his arm, boxing in rather than boxing out the party of the second part, who contends that it was merely a ruse, or pretext if you will, to initiate physical contact by the party of the first part, that was uncalled for, nor desired by the party of the second part. The party of the first part shall herein refer to a Mr. Masterson (Sky), and the party of the second part shall herein, henceforth and forthwith refer to Miss Brown (Sister Sarah).
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Of corpse some of this is me having too much fun for I know on the morrow I shall be a grave man, and you would have me eat my toast plain, rather than with barrels of jam!
No really, good crit Tom,
Thanks,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.