04-01-2014, 02:23 PM
I would use the direct article on the last line, plus widow needs to be possessive.
the widow's kiss awaits them there.
To me the rhyme seems forced. For economy's sake I think I would go with something like.(not a suggestion, just examples)
"She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare,
red hourglass signals their fate,
the widow's kiss awaits"
--or--
She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare.
the hourglass portends his fate,
a widow's kiss for him awaits.
Just some ways to play with it.
Dale
the widow's kiss awaits them there.
To me the rhyme seems forced. For economy's sake I think I would go with something like.(not a suggestion, just examples)
"She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare,
red hourglass signals their fate,
the widow's kiss awaits"
--or--
She sits amid her silken treads,
a victim to ensnare.
the hourglass portends his fate,
a widow's kiss for him awaits.
Just some ways to play with it.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.