04-01-2014, 09:18 AM
Keith,
I find no real rhythm in this piece, except the last stanza, which is strongly helped along by the rhyme, but rhythmically there's just nothing to hang your hat on. It closest fits a four foot line, but even accentually it is uneven. Usually I might make a suggestion, but I can't make anything out of the first stanza, I have no idea what "and the time laps sky roars by" means.
I mean does this sentence make sense to you?
Where the sand ripples arid red and the time laps sky roars by, white is bleached on searing blue, scorpions sink in his footsteps.
I don't get how white is bleached, bleached means white.
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I suppose in stanzas 2 and 3 the description is apt for what you are describing, but then there is this sudden shift from whatever time you were suppose to be in, to the past, then to the future.
I'm assuming the last stanza means the old rules were broken, which broke the way of life, but now we have diamonds. Is that good, or bad. I have no way of knowing. Without being able to tell if this morality play ends well or poorly, it is impossible to get invested into it.
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here are the three things I see as problematic: The lack of form does nothing for the piece, in fact it takes away any energy the poem could have. There are lines that make no sense, and there is nothing in this that would cause the reader to become emotionally invested. There is actually a fourth thing, which is this seems a much bigger story than you are telling. I feel like I am reading the lyrics to the "Big Bang Theory" show, except this is lacking in rhythm, rhyme.
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I think there might be a story in this, but either you are going to have to tell a smaller part of it, or you are going to have to greatly expand the length of the poem. However, Until you can find a workable form, these others are not even a consideration.
Best,
Dale
I find no real rhythm in this piece, except the last stanza, which is strongly helped along by the rhyme, but rhythmically there's just nothing to hang your hat on. It closest fits a four foot line, but even accentually it is uneven. Usually I might make a suggestion, but I can't make anything out of the first stanza, I have no idea what "and the time laps sky roars by" means.
I mean does this sentence make sense to you?
Where the sand ripples arid red and the time laps sky roars by, white is bleached on searing blue, scorpions sink in his footsteps.
I don't get how white is bleached, bleached means white.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I suppose in stanzas 2 and 3 the description is apt for what you are describing, but then there is this sudden shift from whatever time you were suppose to be in, to the past, then to the future.
I'm assuming the last stanza means the old rules were broken, which broke the way of life, but now we have diamonds. Is that good, or bad. I have no way of knowing. Without being able to tell if this morality play ends well or poorly, it is impossible to get invested into it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
here are the three things I see as problematic: The lack of form does nothing for the piece, in fact it takes away any energy the poem could have. There are lines that make no sense, and there is nothing in this that would cause the reader to become emotionally invested. There is actually a fourth thing, which is this seems a much bigger story than you are telling. I feel like I am reading the lyrics to the "Big Bang Theory" show, except this is lacking in rhythm, rhyme.
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I think there might be a story in this, but either you are going to have to tell a smaller part of it, or you are going to have to greatly expand the length of the poem. However, Until you can find a workable form, these others are not even a consideration.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.