03-27-2014, 09:35 PM
For some reason I keep wanting to read 'aureoles' as whatever those biscuits are called. And I am assuming you don't mean areola - in fact I hope you don't as aureoles is the perfect word.
I'm intrigued by the use of 'another' in the first line, as it implies you have done this before.
On first reading the dissonance is a little off putting, there are rhythms in the first two lines of each stanza that lead one - me - to expect things to be be there in the third, but they are not. And instead we get almost the opposite. Which is nice. It plays with the platonic conception of what this lover should be - you are not after perfection - in some sense you are pointedly rejecting perfect.
For me, I'd drop the question mark, look at the 'but' beginning L3 in successive stanzas.
But beyond that I am loathe to go in specific advice.
I'm intrigued by the use of 'another' in the first line, as it implies you have done this before.
On first reading the dissonance is a little off putting, there are rhythms in the first two lines of each stanza that lead one - me - to expect things to be be there in the third, but they are not. And instead we get almost the opposite. Which is nice. It plays with the platonic conception of what this lover should be - you are not after perfection - in some sense you are pointedly rejecting perfect.
For me, I'd drop the question mark, look at the 'but' beginning L3 in successive stanzas.
But beyond that I am loathe to go in specific advice.