03-26-2014, 05:08 PM
Hi,
Since you have posted these up as a collection I have been back several times because they have caught my attention and interest. As a read they deliver on many levels of intellect, but for me, sadly they fail to deliver in terms of a poem I can enjoy. This is both frustrating and confusing because the individual lines are undoubtedly well planned and executed in terms of the information and images they deliver and I really like the read...I guess this is just my problem - it is a read of interesting ideas. I am almost wanting to read these as a selection of Haibun. Densely packed descriptive images with a punchy Haiku to draw the whole together. Certainly the first poem in this group is like this for me. (Those last two lines would make a fantastic summation of the read above). And again in the market poem the last three lines already semi have this form.
I am sorry that cannot offer what you asked for on this one. I have enjoyed many of your other posted poems and went to this with keen interest. I think this one needs a quite a bit of re-working in terms of how the poem delivers - at the moment it is the form not the contents that is preventing me from really getting into this one.
You have asked for comments on the middle section, but for me the first stanza of the last poem (Business) was the least compelling. Again it has some great individual lines in there; which I am more than willing to highlight for you if you would like, but I appreciate that perhaps after the views and the idea of re-working this into a completely new form as I have expressed above; you might quite understandably feel you are too far down the road with where you want this poem to go to want to consider the opinions I have offered. I would respect and appreciate this as a valid response.
I am only sorry that I could not be of more help because this is a very worth project and undoubtedly has a lot of potential which I can already appreciate and I like very much.
All the best AJ.
Since you have posted these up as a collection I have been back several times because they have caught my attention and interest. As a read they deliver on many levels of intellect, but for me, sadly they fail to deliver in terms of a poem I can enjoy. This is both frustrating and confusing because the individual lines are undoubtedly well planned and executed in terms of the information and images they deliver and I really like the read...I guess this is just my problem - it is a read of interesting ideas. I am almost wanting to read these as a selection of Haibun. Densely packed descriptive images with a punchy Haiku to draw the whole together. Certainly the first poem in this group is like this for me. (Those last two lines would make a fantastic summation of the read above). And again in the market poem the last three lines already semi have this form.
I am sorry that cannot offer what you asked for on this one. I have enjoyed many of your other posted poems and went to this with keen interest. I think this one needs a quite a bit of re-working in terms of how the poem delivers - at the moment it is the form not the contents that is preventing me from really getting into this one.
You have asked for comments on the middle section, but for me the first stanza of the last poem (Business) was the least compelling. Again it has some great individual lines in there; which I am more than willing to highlight for you if you would like, but I appreciate that perhaps after the views and the idea of re-working this into a completely new form as I have expressed above; you might quite understandably feel you are too far down the road with where you want this poem to go to want to consider the opinions I have offered. I would respect and appreciate this as a valid response.
I am only sorry that I could not be of more help because this is a very worth project and undoubtedly has a lot of potential which I can already appreciate and I like very much.
All the best AJ.