03-26-2014, 05:30 AM
RE: Triptych
About 'First Meeting': Lovely story telling in a prose poetry sounding piece. It seemed like the carpenter (Jesus) and the narrator were watching John the Baptist. However, wasn't Jesus baptized by John? Unless he returns later... On the other hand, I have not gone to church or read the bible in decades.
About 'The Market Place': A vivid marketplace scene Jeremy. I am enjoying this series of prose poetry. It looked like you have a couple choices to make, unless you are trying to create some sense of hesitation or choice: pins me or holds me; bird or lizard. However, there is more of a stream of consciousness feeling to this passage, where these narrator options seem to reflect the workings of his mind. This brings us to the fish eye, which for a moment, I mistook for the soldier's, but again the shifting focus mimics the mind adrift. I would suggest; the stave's heel hollows a bowl (as 'feet' proceeds the image). I like baritone and lemon, but the way it is written, the voice sounds disembodied, at least not associated with the carpenter (maybe intended). Nonetheless, it seems like Jesus rises to hear the vocalization himself. Or the carpenter and the orator (Jesus) are not the same person. This would explain why he skipped the baptism. That taxman in the tree was a strong image. The mother reads out of place as the narrator has not made it home yet. Is there another narrator? Is there time lapse? I like it and want to read more.
Jeremy, as requested, I posted below what I was going to PM to you:
About ‘Business’: This one had me more baffled than anything and it is probably me, as you are happy with it. I may have missed the key metaphor herein. The ‘fishmongering’ opening is effective in creating some confusion before the climax of your triptych. The excitement of the event to come. Dog Dongs and sardines don’t sound to appealing. Are those dongs the same thing as hush puppies (cornbread things that go with fish)? I did get the impression of a hot-dog hawker at a circus or sporting event. There is potent image with the strewn clothing on one bank and the crown of thorns on the far bank. Do you think the fisherman could see the crown from his poor vantage point (it is more like a third person narrator observation)? The crow seems over-stressed; the symbolism lost impact lost with all the descriptors and explanation. I like the flight, but the next line with the land/strut/listens/waits, is too much maybe. Hangs on tree implied a noose and rope for me, especially with the blood trapped in her head. Therefore, it conflicted with the nail and crucifixion. Yes, I know you can be nailed to a tree, but that takes away the possibility of carpenter playing a greater role in the execution (he could have built the cross). The woman slave is rather nameless/faceless and I suppose is your twist. She didn’t have the citrus-flavored-bass voice by any chance? Her brutalization seems to serve in casting the other characters in a dark gloom. Was the woman chosen to reveal that it was not Christ or does she act as a metaphor for something else. Were the doc, taxman, carpenter and soldier arguing over the nail as a souvenir? It was not clear to me. The last line was the gem of this passage. It makes the fisherman seem like the only human in the 'third panel’ of your triptych. He turns his back on the suffering of others and looks out for himself. Not evil, just very realistic and what could he really do, other than attract the tax collector. I know, a lot of questions that will provide spoilers for others if answered. Let's see what others see and say. Most of this is not critique, but more my attempt to grasp the poem. Thanks for bearing with me and sharing your epic. I will read it all again in one sitting later. /Chris
About 'First Meeting': Lovely story telling in a prose poetry sounding piece. It seemed like the carpenter (Jesus) and the narrator were watching John the Baptist. However, wasn't Jesus baptized by John? Unless he returns later... On the other hand, I have not gone to church or read the bible in decades.
About 'The Market Place': A vivid marketplace scene Jeremy. I am enjoying this series of prose poetry. It looked like you have a couple choices to make, unless you are trying to create some sense of hesitation or choice: pins me or holds me; bird or lizard. However, there is more of a stream of consciousness feeling to this passage, where these narrator options seem to reflect the workings of his mind. This brings us to the fish eye, which for a moment, I mistook for the soldier's, but again the shifting focus mimics the mind adrift. I would suggest; the stave's heel hollows a bowl (as 'feet' proceeds the image). I like baritone and lemon, but the way it is written, the voice sounds disembodied, at least not associated with the carpenter (maybe intended). Nonetheless, it seems like Jesus rises to hear the vocalization himself. Or the carpenter and the orator (Jesus) are not the same person. This would explain why he skipped the baptism. That taxman in the tree was a strong image. The mother reads out of place as the narrator has not made it home yet. Is there another narrator? Is there time lapse? I like it and want to read more.
Jeremy, as requested, I posted below what I was going to PM to you:
About ‘Business’: This one had me more baffled than anything and it is probably me, as you are happy with it. I may have missed the key metaphor herein. The ‘fishmongering’ opening is effective in creating some confusion before the climax of your triptych. The excitement of the event to come. Dog Dongs and sardines don’t sound to appealing. Are those dongs the same thing as hush puppies (cornbread things that go with fish)? I did get the impression of a hot-dog hawker at a circus or sporting event. There is potent image with the strewn clothing on one bank and the crown of thorns on the far bank. Do you think the fisherman could see the crown from his poor vantage point (it is more like a third person narrator observation)? The crow seems over-stressed; the symbolism lost impact lost with all the descriptors and explanation. I like the flight, but the next line with the land/strut/listens/waits, is too much maybe. Hangs on tree implied a noose and rope for me, especially with the blood trapped in her head. Therefore, it conflicted with the nail and crucifixion. Yes, I know you can be nailed to a tree, but that takes away the possibility of carpenter playing a greater role in the execution (he could have built the cross). The woman slave is rather nameless/faceless and I suppose is your twist. She didn’t have the citrus-flavored-bass voice by any chance? Her brutalization seems to serve in casting the other characters in a dark gloom. Was the woman chosen to reveal that it was not Christ or does she act as a metaphor for something else. Were the doc, taxman, carpenter and soldier arguing over the nail as a souvenir? It was not clear to me. The last line was the gem of this passage. It makes the fisherman seem like the only human in the 'third panel’ of your triptych. He turns his back on the suffering of others and looks out for himself. Not evil, just very realistic and what could he really do, other than attract the tax collector. I know, a lot of questions that will provide spoilers for others if answered. Let's see what others see and say. Most of this is not critique, but more my attempt to grasp the poem. Thanks for bearing with me and sharing your epic. I will read it all again in one sitting later. /Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris