03-25-2014, 10:52 PM
Changed to 'heel' thank you Christopher.
I wonder if -
"The tax collector's beadling stare pins me,
his sharp hooked nose, holds me, sniffs for coins
leaning across the narrow slatted stall,
eyes twisting, as a bird, or a lizard
eager for more; fearing the prey will fly.
Six meager coins lay before him. His hand
gathers them up as he slides back from me,
beard stinking of onions, and avarice,
he moves on." ?????
Does that give the opening more breath?
You would prefer a more explicit statement of the the narrator going home?
I wonder if -
"The tax collector's beadling stare pins me,
his sharp hooked nose, holds me, sniffs for coins
leaning across the narrow slatted stall,
eyes twisting, as a bird, or a lizard
eager for more; fearing the prey will fly.
Six meager coins lay before him. His hand
gathers them up as he slides back from me,
beard stinking of onions, and avarice,
he moves on." ?????
Does that give the opening more breath?
You would prefer a more explicit statement of the the narrator going home?