03-25-2014, 12:22 PM
(03-22-2014, 06:35 AM)jeremyyoung Wrote: The vitality of the piece is very good, and there are some very strong and clever rhymes.Hi jeremyyoung. I didn't see this reply. Thanks for that. Vitality. That's what I was after. I wrote this as a live performance piece some years ago first starting out. I'm a little fond of it because it took down another poet I had no business taking down in a slam competition. It's just got to be read in that low, slow, hypnotic, Dracula-like voice. Don't know why, but it worked those times I trotted it out. The spell. lol
Carnal abstraction accented in lace
just a hint of despair tinting your face
was the stand out for me.
Those lines you mentioned...part of one of the few stanzas I've ever written where I got exactly what I was reaching for in the way I had hoped for. The poem actually slows down till that stanza, and then those first two lines pick up the pace...almost a bit sing-songy there (or how I read it live). My personal favorite line was...
cradled in the arms of a velvet dirge
...I SO wanted that stanza to end hauntingly.
Anyway...thanks for the read. I appreciate the kind words from such a talented wordsmith.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."