03-24-2014, 11:05 PM
The couplets would work better if they were rhyming and with balanced meter - the second half of each line is running away from the first. And the first line feels unconnected from the second. By putting them to together and established a rhythm you would get the sound of the milking machine.
It might be an issue with the formatting, but the refrain would look nice if they were indented. Also instead of 'bark away' etc, bark, bark, bark away etc would keep the rhythm thing going.
I hate you all
Yes, of course, you are exciting the bit of brain that must have joined me in this one. There WAS a certain something that this reminded me of. Is plagiarism OK if you cannot remember where you read it? Captain Beefheart had a similarity in a distant and obscure lyric where he repeated the refrain (it was a song, after all) to syncopate the thing....me, I am just trying to write something against my own grain. Wheel out your petards. Take aim.
I will eat everything you say and see what comes out....er....later.
Thanks for the ideas.
Best,
tectak
It might be an issue with the formatting, but the refrain would look nice if they were indented. Also instead of 'bark away' etc, bark, bark, bark away etc would keep the rhythm thing going.
I hate you all
Yes, of course, you are exciting the bit of brain that must have joined me in this one. There WAS a certain something that this reminded me of. Is plagiarism OK if you cannot remember where you read it? Captain Beefheart had a similarity in a distant and obscure lyric where he repeated the refrain (it was a song, after all) to syncopate the thing....me, I am just trying to write something against my own grain. Wheel out your petards. Take aim.
I will eat everything you say and see what comes out....er....later.
Thanks for the ideas.
Best,
tectak