Against the Sea

[chrisgas]

Hi, chrisgas, welcome.

I understood the poem from the first line. I think there is a lot of potential in that line. I like a lot of this.

You took a big bite here, maybe you should chew on it a bit. So many off the lines are so twisted for the sake of the rhyme. Maybe you could try to make sense of it without the rhymes, then work them back in. Thee? Nah.

You could look at the practice threads here and there is a great link to poetry tips on the home page. Yes, read more and figure out what works and why.

Good luck if you decide to stick with it.


Ellajam, Thanks for the welcome,
Yeah, you are right on all fronts, I took a big bite and wrote the above in about 30 minutes, which for me is fast! I was under pressure to put something forward and twisted things to rhyme. So I will try and rework it over the next few weeks (a daughters bedroom renovation beckons). Thanks also for your encouragement!

I'll read and then try again.

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the language of the poem feels off and yoda-like
an example

A matriarch you so stubborn and strong
could be read as

you a matriarch so stubborn and strong
or
A matriarch stubborn and strong

go through the poem and see if you find anywhere else like that, try not to be to wordy make each line as coherent as you can

[quote='chrisgas' pid='158114' dateline='1395349478']
Like the cliff against the sea, you stood for an age strong in form
Withstood the tempest of life of the metal you were born
No superhero you of comic strip read
By boys so bold who got a clip round the head.

A matriarch you so stubborn and strong
Fought tooth and nail for your folk not yet born try not to repeat rhymes unless the form dictates it need be done.
Like your kith and your kin the likes we never may see lines like this don't read well.
Of Granite and diamonds and rocks such as thee.

Do we stand and wonder for you where to now
To the rock to the pebble and to dust under plough
The cliff may have crumbled and fallen to the sea
Washed up to the field to bear the fruit of the tree.

Your kind may die but lest we forget
Just one look at my kin, It’s not over yet.

personal shouldn't necessarily mean cliche. try and avoid it at all cost. then when you use it it will be aforethought

Billy, thanks for your comments, I will read and then try and re edit taking in your suggestions. I

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I am not a cliché hunter; others are and will pounce on a cliché like a cat on mouse. I look at the whole poem with the object of seeing signs of promise in a new writer.
I could tell you in detail what I feel is wrong in your poem but its far better for you to read and absorb poetry that’s attractive to you and so adapt your own poetry accordantly.

Regards Cari

Thanks again Cari, I'll read and try again, perhaps in a couple of months.