03-21-2014, 10:12 AM
Thanks everyone for your attention to this and suggestions. I will attempt to edit this a bit as I see fit and perhaps implementing some suggestions. Your comments are much appreciated.
thanks halfagirl! The portion before the quotes is spoken in the present as if it were currently happening and the quoted part is as if the aftermath is spoken of from one person to another after the fact. Does that help make sense?
(03-20-2014, 04:16 AM)halfagirl Wrote: I like where you are going with this, there is some strong visual imagery. I am also wondering why you made some of your punctuation choices? Especially the last two sections being in quotation marks - why did you make that choice?
A possible line change
"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil with each breath"
to
"Threshing maw and gnashing steel
spew oil as they exhale"
Good start!
thanks halfagirl! The portion before the quotes is spoken in the present as if it were currently happening and the quoted part is as if the aftermath is spoken of from one person to another after the fact. Does that help make sense?