I once had nothing…but I have most of it left ( Seasick Sam)

[tectak]

Tom,

(really, in the Serious Workshopping forum?)

Your formatting sucks. Are you trying to disguise that this is really only four lines?

If this is it then will I miss what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp and slip away.

Or in Ballad meter (though it doesn't deserve it)


If this is it then will I miss
what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could
hold in both my hands…

but swollen fingers will not hold
as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp
and slip away.

Need a syllable on that last line (or we could pretend your clever and did it on purpose...your call), and that's an awful (I started to end right there), long way to go for a rhyme: day-away.

As to the content...well it appears to have slipped away.

Dale

Tom, I think it works better in Dale's ballad form. However, the ellipses don't seem to add anything other than interupt the meter. In your structure, they may get the reader thinking about what those objects might be, as well as focus on the fat anatomy of those fingers. I am not certain what 'lessens' other than your time on the planet. Sorry, that is all I have at this time./Chris

Errr... yes.......errrr. You are both, of course.....quite right. The title says it all
I posted it because even I (who have no shame) was a little concerned over my diminished (since 1995 in nearly the same place) abilities. I may need to sell my Xbox.
Oh, and Chris. Regarding what else lessens.....how old are you?
Best,
tectak

Tomorrow is the first day of the remainder of my life!

See"All that we have"